I fell in love with an older woman and married her when I was 30 and she was 46. Now, I’m 46 and she’s 62. Our sixteen years together have been magical in many ways.
With my wife’s self-confidence and broader life experience, she encouraged me in everything I felt like trying... from running marathons to starting a new business which has been very successful.
She also made me feel like a “silent partner” in her work by always discussing any new ventures and decisions with me.
We have friends of all ages. Even her son, who was 20 and concerned about the age difference when we married, says we’re a perfect match!
However, I’m beginning to sense an issue we must soon face. My wife is still beautiful and keeps fit, and so looks younger than her age, but her sex drive is no longer a match to mine.
She still shows eagerness about making love but it’s becoming obvious that she prefers a gentle romp to anything more taxing. Running her company takes a lot of energy and if we don’t get to dinner and bed together till 11pm, she’ll gently participate, but I can see she’s yearning for sleep.
This is one discussion I don’t know how to raise with her.
I love her deeply. I won’t get sex elsewhere. What should I say and do?
Older Wife, Less Sex
It’s not disinterest. More likely fatigue, unless a doctor’s check-up proves otherwise.
Many women in their 60s feel in their prime, adjusted to menopause, free of birth control, aware of how to arouse their libido themselves, familiar with sex toys, and comfortable speaking up about their feelings and needs.
Meanwhile, your wife’s still working long hours, has responsibility for her own business, and stays involved, advising and encouraging your interests like marathons as well as your new business.
No wonder she’s tired at bedtime!
Time to start a discussion about her needs for feeling zestier, instead of taking care of everything else. It seems you’re both successful enough financially for her to cut back on some work hours in favour of healthy stimulation.
That’s not just about sex... it’s both of you making time for interesting leisure and stimulating pursuits - travel (when it’s safe), joining a community effort that matters to you both, socializing with interesting friends, regular but moderate fitness pursuits, etc.
Instead of your wife’s age being a deterrent to sex, it may well be her ambitions for both of you that’s exhausting her. Make sure she sees her doctor, then, absent any health problem, see how she responds to relation and lovemaking on a vacation.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman in chronic pain (Sept. 2):
“As a disabled person in chronic pain and on narcotics (methadone & hydromorphone), my pain’s better with the medication. It allows me to function without drowsiness or euphoria.
“A pain specialist clinic, plus trial and error, found the right combination.
“Psychology counseling and learning to live/move/accept the change in how I can do things, also helped.
“The woman needs a program to help her accept her life changes, and find the pain meds that work best for her. If she’s that drowsy, it’s the wrong medication and/or amount.
“Pain meds help make pain livable but doesn’t end severe chronic pain. It’s hard learning to live with it but necessary for her and her family to have a life.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the man who was ogling other women when out with his wife and friends (August 16):
Reader – “I cringed at the man’s sexist and archaic feedback: "Window shopping’s OK as long as you don’t sample the merchandise.”
“It ignores the partner’s feelings, and reflects ingrained misogyny and objectification of women.
“Women aren’t merchandise to be perused regardless of whether or not you’re “buying.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother seeking the centre of attention (Sept. 4):
Reader – “The letter-writer may be interested in the book: Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride.”
Reader #2 – “Although you showed some sensitive insight about the woman’s needs, you missed her blatant narcissism.”
Ellie - A book by a professional and experienced family therapist, certainly has merit for this issue.
However, without an actual diagnosis for the mother, the rest of us only know for certain that she loves the limelight.
Tip of the day:
Women in their 60s can still remain sexually strong with their libido intact, IF they’re not exhausted from work.