My brother and his wife have been married for 10 years. She and I have been friends since they met, a dozen years ago. I love her and we are very close.

My brother has cheated on her several times. Two years ago, she told me she wanted to divorce him. I told her that she should do something about how she was feeling. She didn’t. She told me she was too afraid to make any change.

Several months later, she confided in me again that she was done with my brother and wanted to divorce him. We talked it through again. She remained frozen. And I promised her that I would never say anything to my brother. I was able to make that promise because, even though I love my brother, I think it’s a terrible thing to cheat on your wife and I don’t condone his behaviour. However, I would never blow up their marriage, especially because the only people who would suffer from that would be my friend and their children, my nieces.

Over the past two years, she has told me four times that she wants to divorce my brother, and I have listened, advised, been a sounding board, etc. I know it’s not my life, but how can I get her to make a move?

Ugly Antics

You can’t force your sister-in-law to walk away from her unhealthy marriage. She has to do it herself. She has the desire; she just needs the confidence. And the support.

You could help her make a safety plan, as in, what to do once she asks him to end the marriage, if she’s at all concerned for her safety and/or the safety of the children. You could also help her find the right lawyer.

No one should have to live with someone who is cheating on them.

My friend’s daughter was just killed in a car crash. She isn’t one of my closest friends, but a woman I have known for about eight years through work and other friends. Obviously, I am devastated for her. Fortunately, she is in a loving relationship with her husband and has three other children – all of whom will look to her for strength and comfort, while she is struggling herself.

I know she needs support but I’m just not sure how to give it, or what to say, since we weren’t that close friends. I’m also not that good in dealing with grief. I kind of shut down.

How should I proceed?

Grief Ghost

I strongly suggest that you seek therapy to deal with your own struggles with grief. Shutting down is unhealthy and comes back to bite you. Now would be a good time to start figuring that out before grief hits home, as it will, because we all suffer loss in our lives, in some form or another.

For your friend, I suggest you pay your respects publicly, if that’s an option, as in, attending the funeral, or post-funeral gathering, or simply commenting on the obituary. It’s a way to say, “I’m sorry for your loss” without having to look the person in the eye or spend time alone with them.

And, if you’re so inclined and it’s appropriate, you could send flowers, or drop off food, or make a donation in her daughter’s name. Any little thing is a show of support, and will be appreciated, if not immediately, then when they come up for air.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man with the wife in long-term care (June 25):

Reader – “I identify with and feel for this man. He’s fortunate she has a place. Waiting lists can be 10 years long. The crisis that expedited her diagnosis and placement is a blessing in disguise.

“Sadly, visiting her as often as he does isn’t healthy for him, and completely irrelevant for her. He’s essentially single. He must start making a new life for himself with former and new friends. Reduce visits to once a week or less.”

Reader #2 – “He isn’t alone; there are many others in a similar position. Confiding in friends and asking to be included is one solution, but he can also contact the Alzheimer's Society for more resources. They have support groups and various other programs.

“Also, there are a lot of seniors' groups he could join made up mostly of people who don’t have the company of a partner, i.e. walking groups, book clubs, bridge, etc. Search Seniors Clubs or check his local seniors centre or community centre.  We’re the largest cohort in the population now and many of us are dealing with changes in our social situation.”