In less than 18 months, I lost a dozen people close to me, including both friends and family. They died due to massive heart attacks, car accidents, varying different cancers, a drunk driver, a drug overdose and a brain aneurysm.
After all the funerals and celebrations of life, I decided that when I go, I just want a small funeral, family only. My husband agreed. One man I know had three events for his deceased wife after the funeral! He just can’t move on!
I also seem to be unable to cry at any of these funerals. I’m not a cold person; I bawled my eyes out when my sister’s dog died and similarly when my close friend’s cat died. So why couldn’t I cry at my own parents’ funerals?
Inappropriate Reactions
Some people, the survivors, need that celebration of life for their own coping. It’s his loss, his grief, his coping, in the example you gave. You don’t have to attend every event; it’s not a reflection on your friendship with the deceased.
Crying is a natural response to emotion; intense happiness, joy, love, stress and sadness can all invoke tears. Crying also activates the parasympathetic nervous system which promotes relaxation and releases natural painkillers – which is why we cry when we’re in physical pain.
You mentioned you’ve been to an exorbitant number of sad events in a short period of time. You may be subconsciously repressing your emotion so as not to feel overwhelmed by all the grief. All these tragic deaths may be causing you some trauma, which could be numbing your feelings. You may also be depressed.
I’m not diagnosing you, but I strongly believe you would benefit from speaking with a grief counsellor to discuss how you’re feeling about each of these tragedies.
Why do you let go when it’s a furry loved one? Perhaps there’s no one around to see you break down; perhaps you feel safe in your vulnerability knowing no one is judging you. Again, I would bring this up with the grief counsellor.
My wife is the CFO of a large company and works very hard at her job. She has pushed herself to be the best of the best, and it has paid off. She is a huge success, and I am very proud of her.
Unfortunately, our marriage has taken a hit, and we are in the grey zone of separating. We have two young children, both of whom have active extracurricular calendars, and one who has some physical issues that take extra care. Neither of us wishes to leave the home.
We are trying to be civil for the children, and friendly enough, but it’s very difficult because we’re both so angry. We have been leaning on our shared calendar to co-ordinate schedules so we can both be as hands-on as possible. But all other communication is terse, curt and almost businesslike. I can’t stand it! I am not her business partner, nor do I work for her. I don’t want to “blue sky” ideas or discuss the “nomenclature” of our upcoming mediation.
How can I get her to talk to me like a co-parent and partner?
Out of Office!
I believe this is your wife’s way of coping. She is pushing you out of the romantic-married-love zone and past the friend-zone to the cold, detached, no-name business zone. This makes it easier for her to discuss/deal with whatever issues you two need to talk about without letting her emotions get in the way. She learned how to do this to get where she is in business. As you said, it worked for her then, and I imagine she’s hoping it will work for her now.
A couples’ therapist who specializes in divorce could help you find the best way to communicate.
FEEDBACK Regarding the birthday bomb (March 2):
Reader – “OMG! I hope others don’t get the idea that this is an appropriate way to tell someone their spouse is cheating: ‘We’ve gathered here to celebrate your birthday and then, on what should be a day of happy memories, observe your humiliation before us all. And we’re picking up the tab, so no worries.’
“This is the kind of news that should be imparted privately by one person. Other friends can gather to support the unfortunate recipient at some later date when the whole thing has become more widely known. However kindly meant by these friends, the approach they used smacks of mean girls.”
Reader #2 – “I almost laughed at the end. Is it a woman thing that they thought to have fun birthday cocktails first? Men would never do that.
“I really think the answer to nearly all your letters should be ‘mind your own damn business!’”