I am in a friend group of four women. One of the women and her husband bought a cottage a few years ago. She invited us up for a weekend the first summer they owned it. We all brought up food and were perfect cottage guests, cleaning up before we left.
We are in a group text together and chat almost daily. Ever since that initial visit, it’s been crickets about inviting us again, yet she never stops talking about all the guests they’re constantly having.
I waited to ask you about this because I was hoping that she would invite us up at some point, even after the summer rush. But still nothing. Can she not see how this is hurting our feelings? How do we handle this?
Friends For Life
With such a small group, I imagine that you get together often, especially if you chat almost daily. At your next get-together, raise the elephant in the room. It doesn’t have to be an intervention, or even a gang-up. It’s three friends wondering why their fourth hasn’t invited them back up to the cottage. Simple. Curious, not confrontational.
You may think you were perfect guests, but she may feel otherwise. Another explanation could be that, if they only go up during the summer, they are still trying to get all their friends up once before inviting people back for a second time, and the summer is a short season, especially if they only have weekends to entertain.
Bottom line – you’ll never know unless you ask. So, ask!
My sister and I found out that our mom has been having an affair. We tried to figure out who the other man is, but neither of us recognize his name and he’s not showing up on social media. Aside from not knowing him, we’re not all that surprised. Our dad has really let himself go and isn’t the same as he used to be. The photos of them together, dating and when they first married showed him young, athletic and really handsome. We obviously recognize that people age, but he’s lost all his hair and gained about 50 pounds. He does nothing athletic, as in, no sports or exercise whatsoever.
Mom, however, has kept herself looking great all these years except for when we were little. My sister was sick for a few years, and our mom suffered through significant weight fluctuation, skin irritations and gut issues. It all stemmed from stress, nerves and anxiety revolving around my sister’s health. But Mom has been healthy and active for at least the past 10 years and looks fabulous!
Dad also doesn’t like to do anything. He comes home from work and plunks in front of the TV, watching sports (ironic) and eating unhealthy foods. Mom is always suggesting they go out, even to watch a live game, but he refuses. We think he’s depressed.
How do we get our dad to wake up and see that his behaviour is pushing mom away? And how do we get Mom to give our dad another chance?
Daughter Dreams
Talk to your dad and tell him you’re both worried about him. Suggest he see a doctor for a health check-up. He may just need a shake up and a mirror.
If you feel comfortable, talk to your mom and tell her that you and your sister know about the affair. Ask her to deal with her marriage issues with your father directly. You could also suggest that they see a marriage counsellor.
FEEDBACK Regarding diabetes diagnosis (July 16):
Reader – “I’ve had experience with diabetes. There’s a lot in my family. Type 1, or what they used to call juvenile diabetes, is very serious. It can be managed, but from the original column, it seems this was just recently discovered. It takes a while to get total control and have the patient do it properly. (I take it back if it’s Type 2. At 14 it could be that and that’s a whole different thing. Different disease.)
“This is a child and he could end up in hospital, or worse if things are not handled properly. I’d wait until next year for the camp. Not that he can’t go. It’s just the newness of it and his age. I’ve seen grown men decide that they’re not diabetic anymore, so they won’t take insulin. And then they die. If he’s not on insulin, then it’s Type 2. Not as critical.”
Diabetic Aware