My daughter, 35, is a single mother with a small child, age seven. I help with babysitting. Sadly, that’s about the only contact I have with my granddaughter. I’m not invited to birthday parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. I’ve asked to be invited to concerts at the school, but she has ignored my requests.
I feel my daughter is downright ignorant, disrespectful and abusive towards me. My granddaughter is becoming the same way. She’s also been diagnosed with ADHD. She sent me pictures of my granddaughter’s birthday cake and photos of the birthday party but didn’t invite me or offer me a piece of cake. I asked when I could come over to give my granddaughter the gift I bought her, and as soon as I entered the apartment, I was met with hostility, abusive and disrespectful behaviour. I left the premises and said I think maybe everyone should cool down. I came back and nothing changed. I would touch something or ask a question, and she was all over me about boundaries, etc.
I can’t win with my daughter; she hates my guts. I don’t feel like a grandmother; I feel used and abused. I think maybe a break might help. Her dad passed away recently so she has inherited some money, so she doesn’t need me to help with babysitting. She had no contact with her dad for five years before his death. I can see that same thing happening with myself if I let it.
I feel my daughter is slowly pulling away. I’ve read recently that kids today are slowly disconnecting from their parents. Is this the new norm?
Dysfunctional Family
No, I don’t think the new norm is for adult children to pull away from their parents. But I know you’re not alone in your type of situation.
It was unclear in your letter who was diagnosed with ADHD, but if it’s your granddaughter, then I hope she’s getting the help she needs. Though her diagnosis has no bearing on your relationship with your daughter, other than, as a single mom, she’s probably frustrated and exhausted.
If possible, a family counsellor could help you two work through whatever issues are plaguing you. You feel used and abused, but your daughter also has feelings that are pushing her to hate you, as you’ve pointed out. If not, perhaps you could write her a letter, expressing how much love you have for her and your granddaughter, and how you want nothing more than to be present and helpful in their lives.
If your daughter pushes you away, continue to reach out to your granddaughter. At seven, she won’t have access to your advancements, but your daughter will see that you’re genuine in your desire to be a present grandmother.
Why do people let their dogs bark incessantly? My neighbour’s dog is outside, barking all day. It’s noise pollution!
Stop the bark!
Dogs are animals with instincts. Some dogs hate squirrels and chase after them and bark at them; others hate garbage trucks and bark at them; still others are overly protective of their owners and bark at anyone who comes too near.
Is it annoying to you that your neighbour’s dog barks all day? I have no doubt. But is it any more noise pollutive than someone’s loud music, or construction of a new home? Life with neighbours has its ups and downs. This is clearly a down for you. You could ask your neighbour to try to stop the dog from barking, especially at times that are interfering with your work or sleep. They may be receptive; they may not. It’s worth a kind and gentle ask.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother/daughter in-law issues (July 15):
Reader – “In the second question, the husband didn't know the details of why his mother and wife didn't get along. And we don't know how they've been functioning as a family to this point. Reconciliation may not be realistic, but it could start with a simple sit-down to talk about how they can deal with each other for the sake of the family.
“Why is the wife supposed to be more respectful and apologize? For all we know the mother-in-law said unspeakable things to her. Just because someone is elderly doesn’t put them in the right (said as a senior). The mother-in-law and the wife each deserve to be treated politely and respectfully by the other, regardless of any problems. Both should be included in family get-togethers. The husband can also spend time with his mother on his own.
“Apologies should be issued when merited, not to cater to someone or keep the peace.”