My husband is 80, I’m 71 and we’ve been married for 40 years. He grew up in an abusive household and learned to shut down emotionally. Over the years he’s also taught me to shut down because he doesn’t want to hear how I am feeling.
A few years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and dementia. The only emotion he knows is anger. I recently went through breast cancer and major surgery. He got angry at me for having cancer and yelled at me that I was crazy for wanting compassion and comfort while going through it. I would like to live what years I have left in peace.
Nursing homes in our area cost $9,000 a month. Even if we could afford it, our children would never speak to me again because they think their dad is perfect and walks on water. I’ve tried to tell them what I am going through, but they don’t want to hear it. I already see a therapist and I belong to a swim club and a Zumba class. Sometimes I don’t even want to come home, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
This Can’t be it
After 40 years of marriage, there are three ways to move forward: you could get a divorce; you could continue living as you have been; or you could implement change for your own sake.
From your description, it’s clear you’re unhappy and don’t want to remain stagnant. So, don’t. That was option two. I suggest you speak with a financial planner about the nursing home costs and how you may be able to afford it, especially if you find more affordable options. It’s important you explore every possibility of NOT living with your emotionally abusive husband any longer.
I also suggest you speak with a marriage counsellor or couples’ therapist to help you learn new ways of communicating with your husband.
If you exhaust every possibility of physical separation, then you must figure out how to live in your home independently of him. Find your peace by ignoring his tirades, avoiding him when you’re home, sleeping in another room and using areas of the home he doesn’t frequent. Continue with your therapy, swimming and Zumba. Take overnight trips with friends and find ways to keep yourself happy, busy and away from him.
If you feel unsafe in your home, you must contact a reputable women’s organization.
My husband and I have a very up and down relationship. We’re great friends, decent partners, put on a good show, but that’s about it. There’s no romance between us, no chemistry, no intimacy. We love each other but we’re not in love with each other. And we have a big blow-up once every three to four months, where we stop talking and the tension in the home is palpable.
Our two daughters are used to it by now; this is all they’ve known. But as they get older, I worry more about the effects this is having on them. I worry that they’ll think this is what a healthy marriage looks like and won’t expect more from their future partners. And I worry they’ll give up the way I give up and allow this to be what my life looks like.
What should I do to help them?
Unhealthy Relationships
First, I suggest you speak to a therapist to understand why you allow yourself to go through the same cycle, knowing it’s unhealthy. I also strongly suggest you and your husband see a marriage counsellor to get over the hurdle that’s throwing you right back into the same spot time and time again.
Talk through how you each think your relationship is affecting the girls, and, using that as your compass, move forward with their best interests at heart. None of us are unaffected by our parents, for better or for worse.
FEEDBACK Regarding diabetes diagnosis (July 16):
Reader – “I have been a T1D for 22 years and I was disappointed by your response. T1D is considered a disability in most parts of North America and if a person with T1D is excluded from activities, it can be considered a human rights violation. Because the camp doctor is comfortable with diabetes management, the camp wouldn't be able to claim they are unable to keep the child safe and free from risk.
“As a T1D, I have been involved with an organization, Connected in Motion, that plans activities (like summer camp experiences) for adults with T1D. Some of our adventures include weeks’ long off-grid camping/portaging across trails in remote Canada. With today's diabetic technologies, there are really no barriers to T1Ds adult and children. If the family and medical team feel that the child is safe to participate, no one should be holding them back.”