I think my friend’s daughter needs help. We live around the corner and have been friends forever. Our younger daughters are good friends, but our older children have different friend groups.

Last week I woke around 2 a.m. to loud noises outside. I peeked out the window and saw her daughter with three other kids, laughing loudly as they walked down the middle of the road. I thought it was late for her to be out.

In the morning, while walking my dog, I bumped into my friend who looked exhausted. She said her daughter had come home later than curfew, at 4 a.m. and she’d been up worrying. I told her I had seen her on the street at 2 a.m.

A few nights later, my son came home from a party and found her asleep on our front porch. He sent me a text and walked her home. And last night, my dog was barking late at night. My husband went downstairs and found her on our back porch, smoking. He walked her home.

What should I be doing to help my friend?

Teenage Angst

For whatever reason, her daughter’s asking you for help. She could sit on any porch, but she chooses yours, knowing you’re close with her mother. Ask your friend if she’d be alright with you inviting her daughter in to talk. I’m guessing that’s what she’s hoping for.

Listen to her, hear what she’s saying. It’ll be clearer for you because you’re not emotionally involved. Then move forward as the situation requires.

I’ve been widowed for 14 years but for more than five years, I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely man. He’s been separated for six years and lives on his own, as do I. His ex-wife lives with their daughter, her new husband and his two children nearby.

The back story is their son died at age 21, 17 years ago from heart failure, following an illness. He had a chronic heart condition from birth. I’m sure it has some bearing on their relationship’s downhill spiral.

My partner had an affair several years later and was discovered by his then-wife. She kicked him out and said she never wanted to see him again. He regrets that he had the affair but not that the relationship ended. He’d been unhappy for a long time, even prior to their son's death.

He has a good relationship with his grandchildren (ages 11 and six) and his daughter and son-in-law. But he cannot visit their home when his ex-wife is there, so he usually sees them on a scheduled basis in the community.

BUT his daughter has told him she doesn’t want to meet me, nor have the children meet me. She doesn’t want to create further stress for herself or her mother. He has been embraced fully by my family and grandchildren. I find it difficult to not meet this important part of his family and wonder if he could be more assertive. He doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with them.

Should I just leave status quo or push it?

Excluded

I would leave it right now. Your relationship with your partner is healthy and moving along. He has suffered greatly through the loss of his son, and a rough marriage that ended badly. He needs peace with his daughter, SIL and grandchildren. It’s not fair to you, I understand, to be left out. But I feel that if you love your partner, you’ll allow him this. It's not his choice, but he’s choosing the non-conflict resolution, based on his daughter’s non-conflict with her mother.

He can talk about you with his grandchildren, and if they ask about you, he can say, hopefully you’ll meet her one day.

FEEDBACK Regarding the girl who perpetually lies (Jan. 2):

Reader #1 – “People don’t grow out of lying as they age. There’s no data to substantiate your claim. If someone is willing to lie without any reason they’ll certainly lie when there is. This is pathological. Someone may get hurt in the future and not addressing it directly only promotes the behaviour.”

Reader #2 – “Your last comment about lying is of no help to anyone. Who cares? Obviously, her friends care. Perhaps other people, family, teachers, acquaintances, are also wondering how to help Lizzie stop this destructive behaviour.

“When it gets totally out of hand and destroys friendships, causes negative family interactions and possible employment termination, it’ll have become a major issue for Lizzie. Who cares? Everyone who deals with this very insecure girl.”

Lisi – Occasional lying is a normal part of teenage development as they test boundaries and seek independence. Many kids try it. Most stop.