I’m a gay girl in my 20's, in a committed five-plus-year relationship with my partner. We love each other and there’s been no instance of cheating since we’ve been together.
But I’m a little alarmed that my fiancée becomes obsessive about "friends" who are usually very attractive colleagues.
She started a new job last year, where she met this beautiful blonde who’s also gay. She’s been obsessive about her since. Recently, her attention shifted to add an attractive brunette.
She and these girls became the best of friends, doing everything together at work and texting each other when she’s home (enough to raise my suspicions).
Also, just the other day, we were at a mall when a very attractive saleswoman made a joke with us and she couldn't pull herself away from her. I tried, and couldn’t disengage her.
It hurts that she does this so blatantly because most of the time we hold hands and are loving.
Is she bored with our "married" life? Am I just insecure?
I keep my feelings about these things to myself to avoid conflict.
Hurt and Suspicious
She may simply be more outgoing than you. Since the daily reality of your relationship is loving and loyal, that should be your main assurance.
However, keeping feelings bottled up is unhealthy for you and for the relationship. It’ll breed more suspicion, have you looking for proof, and eventually push her away.
Speak up but without accusation. At a time when you’re close, tell her you have some discomfort with her strong attachment to some women friends. Do not use the term “obsession” as it’s a judgment that’s off-putting. Work colleagues often become very close, gay or otherwise.
I’m hoping that you also have women and male friends outside your relationship. Relying on only one person for all connections is unwise.
I’m mid-40s, a single mom, who finds it near-impossible to make new female friends. I have only three somewhat close friends, only one I can count on.
I’ve joined committees, gone on outings, appear interested in other school parents, but no one seems interested in more than a "hello.”
I grew up shy as a farm kid, with no other children around, and in an abusive situation.
I have an exciting career in the arts, and consider myself a well-rounded, passionate person.
I've had several long-term, great romantic relationships, and a few amazing friendships that petered out, but have felt very lonely for the past decade.
This increased once I had my daughter and lost my few single friends.
I see my colleagues developing new friendships which makes me feel it’s something about me, specifically.
I’m scared I’ll end up old and alone once my daughter grows up. I want to show her how to be a good friend.
Is there something I could read, a course I could take online, or someone to give me honest feedback on what’s wrong with me?
Not Friend Material?
The self-help bookshelves are full of advice on making friends, but each individual has to get past their own roadblocks.
Growing up in an abusive situation leaves it’s emotional imprint, which may, understandably, include obstacles to being genuinely open and responsive to others.
Personal counselling could provide an important benefit for you. With professional help exploring the impact of the past, you’ll learn what are your own barriers, and strategies to surmount them.
It’s bound to also inform your mother-daughter relationship which inevitably gets more complicated in a child’s adolescent and teen years.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman in a six-year relationship (Dec.5):
Reader – “She knows she doesn't want children and doesn't think she’ll change her mind.
“I knew from the time I was a teenager that I didn't want kids, and at 47 I’m glad and relieved to never have had them.
“They love each other, but their visions of a happy future are very different.
“They should split so they can each find someone with similar visions of what a happy future looks like.”
Ellie – If she were as sure as you have been, she wouldn’t have sought advice. She currently considers their relationship “perfect.” And, they’re both early-to-mid-20s.
In time, he may not want “a bunch of kids.” Perhaps even sooner, she’ll be so sure that she wants none, that she’ll need no one else’s thoughts on this.
Meanwhile, I respected her wish for feedback by suggesting she enjoy their love, for now.
Tip of the day:
Express hurt feelings without accusations, rather than suppress them and build suspicions.