For several months, I’ve been seeing a nice man, and our time together is warm, loving and wonderful.

But one  irritation’s ruining what we have. He’s totally spur-of-the-moment and cannot even agree to have dinner the next night.

If we make an advance plan, it’s cancelled.  He wants to see me but cannot be tied into a plan.

Together we’ve booked, and then he’s cancelled, cottage getaways, bed-and-breakfast weekends, special dinners, even week-long vacations.

It’s become pretty stressful for me. He blames the cancellations on work, his kids, sick mother... you name it.

I know it’s for me to adjust to, but it’s gut-churning for me.

I don’t want to pack it in, but a relationship depends on communication and reliability.

I feel so disrespected and need a partner I can depend on.

Beyond a Quirk

You don’t mention his schedule with his kids, or how that works. Or, whether his mother has an ongoing illness.

Repeated cancellations are annoying. But if  this relationship has potential, you need to know about the other demands in his life, and he needs to be open about them.

Divorced people with kids aren’t free agents, and sometimes even their so-called “off” time still requires them.

It can be worked out, if you’re both willing.

Sometimes my new husband and I are very happy, but inevitably one of us triggers petty and unnecessary blow-ups.

Example: Recently I suggested that, in five years, we have a vow renewal ceremony.

Our wedding, which consisted of cultural Hindu ceremony for his family, which I didn't want, and a Christian ceremony, wasn’t a fond memory.

I’d been very angry with the way his mother controlled the Hindu ceremony, leaving my husband and me out of the loop.

I wanted a vow renewal to be just between us, but his immediate response was that he wanted his parents there.

I feel he always defends, or inserts, his parents where they don't need to be. He hopes that having them at the vow renewal would fix things. But I don't want to wait five years to fix things.

Fights like this, usually revolving around his parents, evolve into yelling fits, where he’ll say that I ruined our wedding, or that I’m selfish and inconsiderate.

Perhaps my expectations are the problem.

I expect his mother to behave like a normal person, and I expect him to be on my side, separate from his parents.

Perhaps this is the consequence of an intercultural and interracial marriage and I have to accept it.

But I cannot accept what his mother does in the name of her culture if I disagree.

I’ve suggested marital counselling, but my husband believes that if I could only mend things with his parents, we wouldn't have any problems.

Frustrated Bride

You both entered into a complicated union, and both seem to have done little to acknowledge, accept, and adjust to its complications.

His mother will always be culturally different from you. But he can’t change her. Nor are you going to ever like everything she does.

You two need to agree on the most important issues, set some boundaries about these where possible, and avoid confrontation on less important things.

Even if he won’t go to counselling, go alone, to learn healthier ways to negotiate.

Example: Talking about renewing vows and excluding his parents five years from now, is just another way to pick at the wedding wounds. Drop it.

 

FEEDBACK Regarding the professional woman who says she believes she doesn’t want to marry a tradesman, based on his income and work (Dec. 4):

Reader – “Your advice to this woman was right on. If she cares anything for this “sweet guy,” she should let him go.

“She wonders if she should “settle for him” because she’s 29 and wants to have children. She says she believes that if she marries him, she’ll always wonder if she “could have done better.”

“It sounds to me like she’s treating this choice like buying a car.

“He’s the one who deserves better - better than her, an arrogant partner who would probably always look down on him.”

Ellie – I agree. She had gotten back together with him after an earlier break-up, then travelled overseas with him, yet still wrote about him in this diminishing way, even though she also wrote, “he kisses the ground that I walk on.”