I need some guidance here. Every year, a few old guy friends from summer camp and I head up north near Algonquin Park to one of our cottages for a weekend of bad decisions, good stories and the sort of behaviour that seemed more reasonable when we were 25. There is usually a heroic amount of alcohol involved, along with weed and, on occasion, mushrooms.
One night, a few of us were outside staring at the stars when nature called. I headed back toward the cabin to use the washroom. Somewhere along the way, I stumbled across two of my oldest friends in what I can only describe as an extremely compromising and, frankly, impressively limber position with one another.
I quietly retreated. Neither of them has mentioned it. I have no idea whether they know I saw them. Now I’m stuck wondering what the etiquette is when you accidentally become the keeper of a secret nobody entrusted you with.
These are men I’ve known since we were teens. I don’t particularly care who puts what where with whom, and I’m certainly not interested in outing, embarrassing or interrogating anyone. At the same time, pretending I saw absolutely nothing feels strangely dishonest, especially if they know perfectly well that I did.
Do I simply take this one to the grave and carry on as though the most surprising thing I saw that weekend was the Milky Way? Or is there some gentle way of letting them know: I saw, I don’t care, your secret is safe with me, and we never need to discuss this again?
Saw More Than the Stars in Algonquin
Not. One. Word.
You didn’t mention your age, just that you are further from 25. You didn’t mention whether any of you are married, and some of you probably are. And you didn’t mention whether the two engaged in their private act were in relationships with others. That last bit is the only part that matters for me. Because say one is married to your sister, you’d probably want her to know what her husband is doing behind her back. However, since you didn’t mention it, I’m going to assume no.
Look, you don’t know if this has been going on for years, or if it was a mushroom-induced one-off incident. Maybe they want to forget it happened! Do not say anything, ever – unless they bring it up with you. If they think you saw, they’ll reach out. If they don’t know you witnessed anything, let them have their secret and deal with it as they will.
No one was hurt in the process.
I saw an adult do something they shouldn’t have done. It wasn’t criminal, but it wasn’t proper. I’m just a kid so I don’t know who to tell, and I don’t know if anyone would believe me anyway. What should I do?
Telling
If this adult did something improper, like spit on the subway, then I suggest talking about it with your parents, discussing with them the differences between right and wrong and how to live with other peoples’ interpretations. If they did something worse, say eat something while walking through the grocery store that they hadn’t paid for, then you should still tell your parents and let them make an adult decision whether it’s worth doing something more about it.
If this adult did something TO someone, adult or otherwise, then you need to tell. And the sooner you tell, the better for the other person.
I’m sorry you feel that people won’t listen to you because you’re just a kid – but good people will listen.
Always stand up for what you believe in.
FEEDBACK Regarding Mean Sister (Aug. 1):
Reader – “The writer says she talks a lot and out loud and even thinks out loud. Has she been tested for ADHD? What she describes is classic. Women tend to go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
“If it’s confirmed, there are different approaches than therapy that might be more effective. I live with three of these neurodivergent ‘talkers.’”
FEEDBACK Regarding one-sided friendships (Aug. 5):
Reader – “No, you’re not the problem, but you’re making a fundamental mistake in your conversation technique: don't ask too many questions. What I find works well in conversation is to take some element from what the other person has just said and then tell your own story focusing on that element. This back and forth works very well.
“But questions should be used very sparingly, because if used too often, it means that the other person is going to be doing most of the talking - as you have found out!”