My former best friend has become a terrible person. She's selfish, boring and lives in a bubble of insulated dullness. I've been listening to the same complaints about her non-issues (annoying boss, who she never sees) and her second cousin with addiction issues (who’s from a wealthy family so in rehab/care.)
She's never had any real problems but is deeply insecure and has never had a real relationship; she's never lived with a romantic partner. We are both in our 50s. My last relationship was with an abusive man and now I’ll never date again.
What has broken my heart, more painfully than any murderous man could, is that my friend of two decades has just drifted away but won't admit it; instead, she chooses to gaslight me and makes it seem like I'm too busy for her. I'm not. I suggest two things a month for us to do, like brunch or an art gallery. She's never available. She pretends to work late. She spends most weekends with her mom (who is in good health and has a more active social life than her daughter).
My friend will inherit her mom's house, but she doesn't need to work for it, so her mom doesn’t need her or require her presence. My life has been a very difficult one and I don't have a mom or family. I worry about my future, but I have a good job and have had an interesting life, that included a couple of long-term relationships and some cool trips and even my own business for a time. I don't have regrets, but I do have fears for the future, as would anyone without a family or inherited wealth in today's economy.
My former best friend is not only completely unable to find any time for us to spend even a couple of hours together each month, but she’s also become extremely dismissive about my life and what it's like being from a poor family.
At first, I excused this to her ignorance and inexperience in life, but now I feel that it’s abusive. Am I projecting because of my bad relationship (which I've done years of therapy to get over and move on from) or is this really a toxic situation I need to extract myself from? I don't want to lose another friend and she's one of the only ones who isn’t married and doesn't have kids, so I thought we'd be able to travel and do fun things together but now she's angry and argumentative with me the rare times we do get together. if I’m not smiling, she'll ask if I’m angry rather than caring about my feelings.
Now she's taken to not replying to texts for several days. She often doesn't even respond to requests to go out. She does send me last-minute invites once or twice a month and with the help of another pal, I now realize she's just reaching out when her other better plans have cancelled.
How do I get out of this? Or is it possible to fix it? I don't want to lose her as a friend but she's just a totally different person than when we met in our early 30s.
Sad Sis
Sadly, people change. She’s making it clear that she doesn’t want to be your bestie right now. She may change again later, but not now. I know it’s tough, but you keep going back for more punishment.
Walk away from this friendship. If she invites you out – for whatever reason – go and enjoy your time together. But lower your expectations and find other people to focus on. Besides, you said she’s boring! You deserve better.
FEEDBACK Regarding alone and unwell (Jan. 14; March 11):
Reader – “I spent six years trying to find the cause of debilitating health issues. Doctors ran lots of tests which always resulted in nothing. If I hadn’t figured out the diagnosis from my own hard work and research, presented to my doctor, and asked to be assessed, I never would’ve been properly diagnosed.
“Just because doctors order standard tests doesn't mean your physical symptoms have been competently and thoroughly evaluated.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the stingy grandma (March 12):
Reader – “Reading about the granddaughter helping with grocery shopping with her grandma complaining about the prices is so familiar to me these days,
“I’m a great-grandmother but I get tired of people in my age group who are so stingy in their senior years. It’s always a joke when we say ‘you can’t take it with you’ but there are some seniors who still count every penny.
“This grandma should be happy that someone’s helping her with shopping.”