My husband and I are approaching our one‑year anniversary, and I’m questioning whether he is equally invested in our marriage. We met when I was 31 and he was 54. He is my first partner, while he has had many relationships and has six adult sons.

Early on, we discussed boundaries with his exes, but those boundaries haven’t been respected. A couple of months into dating, his youngest son’s mother called him before he was headed off to work and rushed off the phone when he said he’s walking out the house in a bit. When I asked about it, he said she ONLY calls about their 29-year‑old son, which didn’t make sense to me. He then told me, “She’s not going anywhere; she’ll be here whether I’m with you or not.” I didn’t know how to respond.

Two days after our wedding, he acted single at a family birthday outing, pointing out women he’d pursue if he weren’t with me and focusing on one woman most of the night. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t want to go because those environments “bring him back to his old ways,” then tried to reassure me by comparing my looks to other women in a way that felt hurtful.

Since then, he avoids date nights and social events, saying restaurants, clubs, and even funeral repasts are “too much temptation.” He says this is why he can’t spend time with me in those settings and that we “just need time to get to know each other over time.”

He also told me he had no contact with exes, but they’ve all resurfaced at different points. He has compared my lack of sexual experience to his exes and bragged about how they pleased him. He refuses to communicate about intimacy, saying the other women “just knew,” and I should figure it out myself.

More recently (and unbeknownst to me), he arranged for me to meet with his youngest son’s mother, and she reached out to tell me things he has supposedly said about me. His family and friends have hinted that he may still have feelings for her, though he denies it. She told me she doesn’t want him but expressed concern that he may have ulterior motives for being with me. When I brought these concerns to him, he focused on being angry that I “listened to her” rather than addressing or clarifying anything she said.

I’m struggling to understand what the hell I got myself into, and I’m confused on the steps I should take to rectify or end this.

Broken-hearted Girl

Unfortunately, I think you are seeing very clearly what you got yourself into and you need to get yourself out. This man has had several lives before you were even finished high school. His youngest son is only two years younger than you!

He’s shown you disrespect in so many ways that staying with him is just harming your self-esteem and self-confidence. You’re young; get out. Even his ex-wife told you that he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Find someone with less baggage, less exes and less children.

He may have swept you off your feet; he may have shown you love and passion in the beginning; but he’s now showing you that he’s not trustworthy, and certainly not in love with you. If he were, he wouldn’t be so crass about your sexual prowess, he wouldn’t ogle other women especially not in front of you, and he wouldn’t compare you to other women, especially his exes.

Get out and get out now. You deserve so much better than this.

FEEDBACK Regarding frustrated (Feb. 26):

Reader – “Absolutely no phones at the table.  It’s disrespectful to the hosts and to the other guests.  Before these devices were invented, I can’t recall a guest ever appearing with a book and proceeding to read at the table.  So why would anyone think it’s acceptable to play games, text with people who aren’t present, check finances, etc., just because their phones make it possible?

“One’s role as a dinner guest is to be pleasant, interested in others and, if possible, interesting to others.  If you want to play with your phone, go to a restaurant by yourself.”

FEEDBACK Regarding advice (March 3):
Reader – “An affluent bias is evident when you suggest problems can be solved by getting a cleaning lady twice a week or booking a spa day or massage to feel better. These are not accessible options for most people and medicate rather than solve problems.”