My boyfriend has been incarcerated for two years. (For something he didn’t do but unfortunately the system takes time proving a person's innocence).

Before he went away, our relationship was amazing. It was the first time we both were in such a healthy relationship with communication, vulnerability, awareness, consideration, support, and loved each other in ways we didn’t think we deserved.

During these two years, we’ve grown to love each other even more. We’ve gotten creative with our intimacy, creative with dates like drinking coffee together on the phone or watching a movie we know will be playing on his TV at night. We read the same books together, write letters, plan our future and check in on how we’re each feeling. But I admit, I hold back a lot.

His family is useless; they’ve used all his savings, ghosted his lawyer to the point she came off his case, switched his car to their name so they can drive it, don’t ask how he’s doing or if he needs anything, and don’t ask if we’re OK or need anything. But I’m always trying to help them, invite them to visit with him or ask if they want to send anything.  They never respond unless they need something.

I feel all the responsibility is on me, which I don’t mind because I love him, and I’d never leave him without support or comfort in his lowest time. We’re a team! But it’s become overwhelming. Our children have grown, which means memories, birthday parties, parental everyday stress, school, appointments, holidays - all missed. They visit him and talk on the phone, but they keep it short and sweet because of time limits.

I’ve had to care for our three kids, the house and our dog. I’ve lost some friends because they couldn’t get over the stigma of someone being incarcerated. I don’t have support. I lost my job last year; bills fell behind, I just tried to keep my head above water while making sure our family was good, he was OK and I could get enough money for him to make calls or for his canteen. I lost all my hair due to stress induced alopecia and had to shave my head. I finally got an amazing job; I’m trying to put the pieces of our life back together comfortably while we wait for him to come home, but I’m still extremely overwhelmed.

I’m his biggest fan, receptionist/personal assistant, accountant (paying his bills); I’m his advocate for emotional and mental support (being incarcerated sucks because they are treated/spoken to disgustingly and the conditions of these institutions is appalling).

I haven’t used these years to work on myself because it’s been difficult to find the energy in all aspects (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually). I forgot about me! I am unhappy with the person I have become, and I feel I have focused on keeping everything else together, but not me. I’m now officially burning out. How do I find myself again? Or get back to who I was before all this happened?

Prison Widow

You will never be who you were before your husband went to jail, but that’s OK. You’re stronger, more capable, more everything! Look to the future and not to the past. With your new job and income, focus first on getting out of debt and living comfortably day-to-day. That will give you peace of mind and stability. Find special things to do with your children, memorable experiences (they don’t have to cost a lot or at all). This will give you all emotional strength. Eat healthy, get enough sleep and exercise. These will all help with your mental, emotional and physical energy. Consider therapy, so that you can process this challenging time. And lean into your faith. You’re stronger than you think.

FEEDBACK Regarding justice for FIL (Feb. 27):
Reader – “This letter gave me a chill. She was describing my MIL (now deceased). I feel for the daughter-in-law and have a warning for her as well. Her MIL is a bully and if the daughter-in-law speaks up, I can guarantee you she’ll become the target and will suffer for it. I didn’t take heed of such advice and dearly paid for it. It caused hell for me and subsequently damaged our children’s lives. My lovely father-in-law suffered from her abuse until the day he died. They were married for 60 years.

“I consider myself a very lucky woman to have had a warm and very loving relationship with my parents. I love my husband of 40 years; we are strong and he is still suffering and healing from her abuse.

“I just couldn’t be a bystander in this bullying story.”