I’m getting married in the fall and planning my wedding has become the most stressful time of my life. My mom and I just can’t agree on anything! It’s brutal! She keeps telling me that this is my special day and I can do with it as I please, but then she’ll comment on all my choices and try to persuade me to do things differently.

I do understand that she wants me to have the best wedding possible, but I think our definitions are very, very different.

I wanted a small and intimate wedding of max 200 guests and she wants to invite everyone I’ve ever encountered, making the guest list top 350. I want to wear a very sexy, backless white dress and she wants me in a Princess Diana gown, replete with ruffles. I want a reggae band to play everything, and she wants a string quartet to accompany me down the aisle and while we eat. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

How can I get her to let me just have what I want on MY day?

Momzilla of the Bride

Planning a wedding isn’t just about the party details. For you, the bride, it’s a statement of your future life as a married woman and many brides feel that EVERY detail holds the weight of their future. For your mom, it’s the end of an era; her little girl all grown up, soon to be a mom herself, and (perhaps) feeling the fear of mortality and not being needed any longer.

That’s a lot of emotions for both of you! Not surprising that you clash on every tiny detail. My advice would be to take a step back, make notes on what you believe you want, ask your mom to do the same, and sit down together with a good hour to spare. Prioritize your list in matter of importance and highlight your non-negotiables. Before you get down to it, discuss with your mom the budget and who is paying for what. Then compare notes.

With this system, you’ll know from the beginning where you differ, where each of you needs to be generous, and where you can compromise. In this way, your mom will have a moment to observe the changes in trends and practices, and you’ll see where you can incorporate traditions that are important to her, even if they’re not important to you.

The most important result is that you two maintain your strong mother-daughter bond. Though it’s hard to believe, it’s only one day out of your life, and it will NOT have a direct effect on your marriage.

My wife has a crush on someone. I know she does because she is ALWAYS on her phone, smiling this silly grin and texting incessantly. We never had secrets from each other, and we never cared about looking at each other’s phones. I don’t mean snooping; just picking it up to look at the weather, or use Google, or text one of our children. Now if I reach for her phone, she snatches it away from me.

I alluded to my theory, and she dismissed me with such harshness that I could tell she was overcompensating. Now what do I do?

Gone Girl

If you think your wife has a crush, that’s one thing. If you think she’s cheating on you, that’s another. Her actions say cheating, but you chose the word crush. Either way, she is shutting you out and making room for someone else. That’s unacceptable in a healthy marriage. I strongly suggest you talk to your wife and ask her some direct questions. Marriage counselling would be beneficial before this affair crushes you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the younger in-law (March 30):

Reader – “I cannot believe the absolutely degrading comment made in this writer's letter that you didn't address. The language nerd stated, ‘I doubt anyone in his line of work would have noticed, let alone been bothered by his strange way of speaking.’

“That is such an insulting, elitist comment to make about people in the trades. The writer is not a language nerd; they are a snob. I can only imagine how this poor man must suffer through visits with him/her, clutching her pearls every time he speaks in a way that is comfortable to him. UGH.

“Perhaps they should focus more on teaching their children to be considerate and accepting of others.”

Lisi – Your imagery was fabulous, albeit sexist, since we don’t know the gender of the letter writer. You’re right – I didn’t address the comment. I focused on the question they posed.