My son and his friends all went their separate ways this school year, when they went off to university. A few stayed home, but most went to universities across the province; some even further, in other provinces. Thanks to social media, their group were able to message constantly and not lose any of the closeness they had created throughout their four years of high school.

But one guy slowly stopped messaging, stopped replying. The others were concerned but didn’t do anything about it. Partially their nature, partially because they didn’t think about it, too busy with their own lives. My son mentioned it to me in passing.

When university ended and they all came home for the spring, my son was looking forward to big group get-togethers. For whatever reason, whenever they reached out to that one guy, he gave excuses to not join. One day, a few of the guys were over and they asked my advice. I’m turning to you.

Detaching

Not knowing any of the players, it’s hard to know what is going on in this boy’s life. He may simply have decided to make a fresh start for some reason and feels that his old friends are holding him back from whoever he now chooses to be. He may feel as though he has nothing in common with your son and the group anymore but doesn’t know how to maintain a friendship based on history (which is sometimes the best friendship to have).

I would advise you to tell the boys that if they want to continue a friendship with this boy, they should message him individually and privately. Tell him how you each feel (which will be different for those who message him, and probably not all of them will), and that you’d like to figure out a way to continue the friendship, just the two of them, or in a smaller group, or however he feels comfortable. And, if he doesn’t feel comfortable right now, just to let him know that he will always be their friend and be welcome in their group.

That gives him the security to fly on his own, to maintain contact with the people he wants when clearly the whole group seems overwhelming to him now, and to know that he is still wanted and missed.

My good friend’s daughter is having a nose job this summer. She has a very large, misshapen nose and hates the way she looks. She’s old enough to make an informed decision and her parents are supporting her.

The problem is that she has decided unequivocally not to tell anyone, banking on the fact that no one will notice or care come the fall when she returns to school. She’s showed me the nose she’s going for, and I can assure you that EVERYONE will notice the change.

I think she’s setting herself up for criticism by not embracing her truth. I think she’ll look foolish if she tries to pretend that the summer sun changed her face so drastically. How can I help my friend see that, and to then help her daughter face her reality?

Cyranose

I agree with you. It’s best to embrace the decisions you make. If you find a flaw that you wish to fix, you can bet other people will notice. You don’t have to advertise, but if someone asks, it’s best to be honest.

Pretending a facial, hair or bodily change just happened overnight is ridiculous and everyone will read right through it. Your friend’s daughter will look foolish, you’re right. Talk to her about self-confidence and owning your truth. Hopefully, she’ll appreciate your forthrightness., but ultimately, it’s her decision to make.

FEEDBACK Regarding boy losing job (May 21):

Reader – “As a mom of young kids, I’ve noticed a trend of not letting a kid grow up. I get it, growing up is hard, letting our kids fail, getting hurt and we worry. As a result, parents shelter and ‘protect’ their kids from ever feeling anything unpleasant. I’m not sure that’s the best approach.

“You advised this parent to call the employer on the kid’s behalf. That would be a red flag. Young people need to be able to handle adversity themselves. People lose jobs.

“In this situation acceptance and understanding might be better advice than the parents calling a prospective employer on their behalf. It sounds like the mom needs more help to let go of their child and needs to give the child some space - and maybe advise the child to put an away message on their email instead of having their mom manage communications.”

Lisi – I feel you’re being too harsh. Mom’s just trying to help.