I'm female, 25, single, working full-time in a great job. I’m exhausted after work, so I stay home to sleep.
I don’t go out often because my friends also work or have different agendas, so I mostly do online dating.
I haven't had a real relationship since age 18. I've had a couple of depressing, abusive ones that I don’t even count.
Whenever I put myself out there on a date, I'm dealing with guys who say they're ready for something.
But when we meet, they just want to have fun and see where it goes… NOWHERE!
I've always said that all I want is love, attention and affection.
Yet, men always tell me that's too much.
I'm starting to think I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I keep myself distracted with work, but the feeling of loneliness swallows me up. I cry myself to sleep.
I've never experienced being loved or felt what it's like to love someone so hard it hurts.
Am I doing something wrong? Is it just me? What should I do?
First step: get out of your house. You’re too young to hide in a work/sleep routine. Join any friend who’s free to meet right after work, or join a yoga class to de-stress before going home, swim at a YWHA, etc.
Next, perk yourself up: Whatever it takes, whether a new hairdo for spring, joining a weekend walking group (not for dating but for meeting enthusiastic people of all ages), ditto for a volleyball team (see meetup.com).
Now, redefine dating. Sure, you want a relationship, but “love” doesn’t happen on a first date.
On a date, talk to guys who seem decent and respectful even if there’s no immediate spark. Make a guy friend when possible, while not leading him on to expect sex if you’re not ready or attracted that way.
You need more practice at just enjoying being with someone.
Otherwise, you’re asking for love/attention/ affection when you and some date barely know each other.
I’m in need of an answer that no one seems to have for me.
I had surgery and during the period of my healing my husband of 18 years was working out of town.
He cheated on me for the first time, came home and told me about it, and left her.
But now she drives here to be with him.
He has tried to talk to me about us and our marriage, but this woman seems to be able to change his mind every time.
I love my husband despite what he did. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Confused and Worried
You need to speak up and not let this woman control the situation by chasing after him.
He returned home, he wants to talk about the marriage with you, there’s hope for you two to repair and strengthen its bond.
Tell your husband that you can forgive him, love him, and stay committed to him, IF he tells the woman straight-up that their affair is over, he’s staying with you, his wife.
Be watchful, because she shows the nerve of a predator who doesn’t give up easily. If she stalks him, phones repeatedly, arrives unexpectedly, or harasses either of you, ask the police for a restraining order against her. Be firm about this.
Tell your husband that you won’t allow this woman to walk over you and steal what you two had achieved over 18 years.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman freaking out about a possible threesome or foursome (April 8):
Reader – “I’m wondering whether, in your response, you might have suggested an open marriage or a polyamorous option.
“I have recently discovered this in my life and am finding more and more people are letting go of jealousy and are happiest in their primary relationship when they can enjoy multiple relationships.
“This woman's husband would have extramarital relations with someone he cares about which would not diminish the love he has for his wife. Love is infinite and doesn't run out if used more.”
Ellie – Her partner specifically wanted a threesome, then found a lesbian couple that was interested, which excited him about a possible foursome.
Polyamory is a mutual-decided and accepted approach to love and sex. Successful arrangements almost always have agreed understandings and boundaries. It’s not just one person’s fantasy being imposed on another, which this woman feared.
Tip of the day:
Dating is a process. It doesn’t start with “love” but can build to it.