Reader’s Commentary Regarding the controversial question about, "Freaking out about a Foursome" (April 8):
“I’m a man who wishes I did not have the answer for this letter, because I learned it the hard way… through personal experience.
“It is not worth it, unless you don't love your partner. There’s no other answer.
“Sure, three women in bed at once, what guy wouldn't like that? I'll tell you who: The one who wouldn't want his wife feeling second-best the rest of her life. It’s the epitome of selfishness to even ask her to do this.
“Would you feel the same if it were three guys and you, with her? I highly doubt it.
“There’s one thing only that this man who’s pushing for his fantasy to play out, has to know: Fantasy has nothing to do with reality.
“Is he prepared to throw away his relationship to fulfill this fantasy? That’s the true risk.
“The most likely scenario is that one or more people are going to be hurt because, what you do to express love and connection with someone is pretty much exactly what you do when you have sex.
“The key difference is that the one doing it knows how they feel. Your partner, watching, cannot tell what you’re really feeling.
“So, people go with what they fear – that you now have feelings for the person with whom you’re having sex, because it looks exactly the same as when you do it with “me” (the partner who’s watching).
“At best, she could wind up feeling inadequate. At worst, her confidence in your love for her is permanently damaged.
“ I know this because it happened to me and even though it was my idea, I wish I could take it back.”
Knows Better Now
Why do so many people refuse to get counselling?
In our home country, it’s common for parents to leave their children with relatives, work in distant countries, and send money home.
We were apart from our daughters for eight years not knowing that our relatives neglected their responsibilities. They disguised the fact that the kids didn’t progress well in school.
My husband and I were also living in different countries, with different work contracts. Finally, he joined me here and we sponsored our daughters to arrive, too.
We four didn’t know how to get along. There was a lot of coldness and anger between us.
Finally, a co-worker advised me to get help.
The counsellor said that it was time for my husband and me to show uncritical love for the children and each other, instead of showing disappointment, always demanding that they do better, try harder, etc.
We were told that forming a close bond and trust among our immediate family was now most important.
Or all that we’ve worked for would feel wasted if our daughters couldn’t succeed in life.
They’re doing much better here now, my husband and I became a good parenting team, and our home is happier.
Grateful for Counselling
Many thanks for this personal and positive view of how a process of professional counselling can move an unhappy family towards doing the work needed to improve their relationships.
There are many approaches – through family services, community organizations, pastoral counselling through your faith, the “Y”’s counselling services, as well as through private practice therapists.
A local online search is a place to start. Check also with associations of registered therapists, marriage counsellors, etc., in your city/area.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose online contact cancelled at the last minute after agreeing to finally meet (April 8):
Reader – “It’s happened to me multiple times, with some of the most ridiculous excuses, e.g. "I forgot that I’m hosting my daughter’s birthday party today." Really!
“I finally made a rule that if a guy cancels the first "meet" at the last minute, and doesn’t propose a day or time to reschedule, then whatever the reason, I'm done.
“It’s not worth wasting the brain energy involved over someone you've never met, and trying to analyse whether his excuse was legitimate.
“If he really wants to meet you, he’ll ask you out again and it won't take him a month. Life's obstacles aside, he’ll figuratively move heaven and earth to be there.
“I believe that there’s nothing wrong with making the first move. I’ve found it effective in determining if a person’s really willing to meet.”
Tip of the day:
Sexual fantasy pushed beyond the tolerance limit of your partner, can end your relationship.