What should I do? My upstairs neighbour keeps their dog in a crate, and it cries all day long. Besides that it breaks my heart to hear this little creature suffering, I work from home and can’t concentrate. Also, sometimes the dog howls and then if I’m on a Zoom call or Teams meeting, everyone else can hear it as well.
Help me help it!
Cooped Up
Depending on the size of your dwelling, you need to either speak with the superintendent or the landlord. But first, talk to your neighbour. They may not be aware since assumedly they leave the dog in the crate when they go out.
If they respond accordingly, together you can help plan for the dog’s health and welfare. If, however, they seem unbothered by your claims, then you’ll need to go one step further. I suggest telling them before you do so, as a warning and to cover your back.
If still nothing changes, you may have to call in Animal Protection Services.
I am a middle-aged adult child, navigating a difficult situation with an elderly parent. I’m the oldest child who always felt more like a third parent than one of the kids. The parent I was closest to, the unconditional love parent, died two years ago. The other parent was always high-maintenance and never satisfied. We’ve never had a good relationship.
In the early ‘80s, there was emotional abuse and violent episodes in our home. Things escalated over the years to crisis points, and after a short period of mental health support, all help was abandoned. My siblings and I started families and enjoyed a couple of decades of relative stability. Control issues were usually manageable as we had distance, and our parents travelled.
When the unconditional love parent suddenly became ill and we had to navigate sharing care, then visiting schedules, major micromanaging and control issues arose from the controlling parent, making life difficult for all of us, at varying degrees. For me, this has continued through the funeral, and for the extended period since.
I had to navigate most of this alone, following several very significant personal losses in the past decade. I was very close to the parent we lost and spent a lot of time with them in their last two years of life, taking them to appointments, spending hours in long term care, etc.
I’m already navigating complex grief, severe anxiety and OCD. I’ve had to block correspondence from my controlling parent because, despite explaining that any communication that includes accusations, labelling, name-calling, swearing and personal insults impact my nervous system to the point of illness/debilitation, it continued.
I continue with my own therapy and mindfulness practice. However, we live in the same town, share a large extended family and connected friends. While I keep this situation between myself, my therapist and a couple of close, discreet friends, my parent does not. I don’t go out often because I run the risk of someone asking me about our situation.
How can I calmly respond when approached by a likely well-intentioned empath who has listened to my parent’s abandonment story, while reassuring them that my three siblings and many others are very supportive?
Pleading for Peace
I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through, and for all that you’re still experiencing. I suggest simply saying, “Thank you for your concern. I do appreciate it. We’re figuring it all out.” And walk away. If your parent wishes to air their dirty laundry, there’s nothing you can do to stop them. But that doesn’t mean you have to engage with anyone they’ve opened up to.
Keep calm, stay cool and breathe.
FEEDBACK Regarding the landlady (June 1):
Reader – “My best guess was that the landlady was concerned when she saw the ‘dirty dishes and pots and pans that were piled in the sink.’ It’s possible she had issues with vermin in the past and didn’t want to risk having problems again. Or she just wanted a neater tenant. Consider it a lesson learned.”
FEEDBACK Regarding twins not twins (June 5):
Reader – “I worked with three other women, but we didn't see each other outside of work, and we weren't close friends. One day we all showed up wearing red shirts or sweaters and grey skirts or slacks. We looked at each other and started laughing.
“Someone asked who sent out the memo. I have found this often happens in work environments, although all four of us wearing the same colours that day probably set a record for our office.”