My wife has a chronic illness that causes her a lot of pain and discomfort. She is often bedridden and subsequently, always depressed. We have been to numerous doctors, and the medicine has side effects that don’t help with her depression and state of mind.

She puts on a good show for the kids, and whenever we have people over, but we all know she’s miserable. Her humour has taken on a darker side; often negative and self-deprecating. I don’t want to laugh to encourage the negativity, but I don’t want to not laugh and hurt her feelings.

I’m not sure how to live this life with her. I’m lonely because she’s in bed all the time. I’m lonely because she never wants to do anything. I’m losing my sense of joy and happiness because she’s so down and depressed. But she’s still my wife and I love her. What do I do?

Stuck

You and your wife need counselling from a therapist who deals with chronic illness, depression and relationships. Obviously, your wife’s health comes first and foremost, and chronic illness is very, very hard to deal with, both as the person suffering and their family members. And, from what you’ve told me, she needs help dealing with her depression.

Talk to your wife and tell her how you’re feeling. Explain to her that you love her and wish things were different and that you understand that none of this is her fault. Then give yourself six months to a year, but be very, very open with her that you also need a life worth living. Help her with her illness, help her with depression, and go together to talk to someone about how you’re each feeling throughout this journey.

It’s not easy to tell someone who is sick that you’re unhappy because you can’t go to the movies. I get it. But it’s your reality so you do need to share. Having a third-party present, a professional, can help with these conversations.

I’ve just moved across the country into a six-month lease that I found online. It was a last-minute decision to move, and I didn’t have the time to fly out to house-hunt. I asked my friend to do some research, and she found this place for me. I called the landlord and we had a lovely conversation, during which time she told me about the work she was planning on doing during the summer months after her most recent tenant vacated. There were two months in between us, and she opted not to rent but to use the time to her advantage.

I arrived last week and none of what she said she was going to do has been done. In fact, when I arrived, the front door was unlocked, there was a pile of mail in the front hall, and the fridge was unplugged and open. The bathroom is in a state of repair, with no sink, no shower head and tools everywhere.

The place was also supposed to come semifurnished with a new bed, brand new mattress, a couch and dining table and chairs. The table is here, but broken and leaning, there are no chairs, no bed, no mattress and it looks like a cat had a fit on the couch.

What do I do?

NOT move-in-able

Document everything, on your phone, and call your friend. Ask her if you can stay there for a week or so. If she says no, find a hotel room for now. Call the landlord and ask her to explain the situation to you. Meanwhile, ask your friend to help you find a different place. I’m not sure what the laws are in your province, so you’ll have to do some research. Good luck.

FEEDBACK Regarding cheater, cheater (June 12):

Reader – “Whether he is right or wrong, the damage has been done.  As I see, divorce is the only option.  So, I agree to start the process.

“But, be prepared for a battle.  Either way she is now a scorned woman.  Expect things to get nasty, so you may want to plan to move out of the house.  Also, budget for a minimum of $100,000 in legal fees, even with your BIL discount.

“From my personal experience, you get what you pay for.  I initially engaged the services of a lower cost lawyer.  All she wanted to do was concede. I then followed a referral from another lawyer I knew and got much better service, but at a significantly higher cost.  So, even with her BIL as her lawyer, gauge the level of service you’re getting and if he’s following what you want.”