My spouse and I have been together over 30 years. We both had two children from previous relationships; we then had a child together, so we are one big, blended family. No one is a half- or step-anything.
It hasn’t been an easy journey; my spouse's ex hasn’t been supportive over the years. No child support, failure to show up for the kids when young and has disappointed them so much, they want nothing to do with him.
We now have 13 grandchildren with another due shortly. The children comment how they wish they could have a relationship and be great parents like us.
Last summer, my spouse's biological son, died in our home, where he’d been staying, getting his life back together and working on his marriage. It was sudden and only much later did we discover it was an accidental drug overdose. Three months later, my spouse's brother died of natural causes; and three months after that, our youngest daughter had a full-term stillbirth.
My spouse turned to marijuana. It became a problem, and I couldn’t tolerate her when she was high. Early this year, she took time off work, to get help in her grief and drug use. She did a two-week, online program. She was angry, blamed me. She moved to a respite but only lasted a few days. She checked herself out and moved in with her AA sponsor for weeks.
She started to downward spiral. Not sleeping, excessive weed use, abusing her anxiety meds and expressed suicidal ideation. She ended up in an acute care centre for crisis support for three weeks. I hoped they would stabilize her, adjust her meds and put a plan in place for recovery from her diagnosis of Complex PTSD, Trauma, Borderline personality disorder, and cannabis addiction.
She was released and has deteriorated. Our children are scared for me. She says she wants to get better but isn’t. These past six months have taken a toll on my mental health. I miss my spouse so much; the kind, loving and soft-spoken woman has become an angry, violent and swearing individual. Our children have told me to protect myself; her friends and family have told me to protect myself. I so want to believe in her and that she can get better. I wouldn’t abandon her if she had cancer, but what am I to do?
She’s now having an emotional affair with a man she met in hospital. We’ve been forced to sell our home. Everything is going into storage, while she lives in a trailer. I now live with our daughter.
I don’t want a divorce; she states the same but wants her 50% share of the house equity to spend as she pleases. Never in my worst nightmares, did I think I would be in this position. I need the chaos to stop, my spouse to finally accept and get help so that we can have the rest of our lives together.
Worn Down
I am not a mental health expert, but this situation has downward spiralled, and I’m not getting the sense that your wife wants to change, though she says she does. However, actions speak louder than words. I’m not saying it’s easy. Her complex diagnoses intermingle, and each issue plays into the other.
I know who you want, but that person isn’t available right now. And that’s a lot of loss for you as well. Your son, your BIL, your granddaughter, and now your spouse – that’s plenty to grieve. For your own mental health, I strongly suggest you take a step away, get grief counselling and start the road to acceptance that what once was, may never be again. I’m sorry because I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear.
FEEDBACK Regarding the rude sister-in-law (Aug. 15):
Reader – “Not so long ago, a similar conflict happened at my brother's home, among the two of their daughters-in-law. The older girl has a calm personality. To make a long story short, as my brother and sister-in-law are family counsellors, they understood that the younger girl's bizarre behaviour could be a sign of mental illness. And the doctors identified that her condition was bipolar disorder. With the correct medicine, her behaviour improved, and all of them are at peace now.”
FEEDBACK Regarding “forever apologetic” (Aug. 18):
Reader - “Have alcohol-free gatherings when she is around. OR warn her in advance to limit her alcohol intake, or better to NOT consume alcohol at all. Especially since ‘this escalates the more she drinks.’
“With a ‘clear head’ she would be able to have more control over her mouth. Encourage her to THINK BEFORE SPEAKING.”