My cousin and her husband are separating – or so the family thinks. They haven’t been seen in the same room together in almost three years. They have three children, all five years apart. The youngest is oblivious; while the older two tell everyone that their parents are separated. We, the family, only know what we know through the children because my cousin hasn’t said a word to me, nor has her husband.
About a month ago, I bumped into him while out shopping. We hugged and chatted and when I asked how he was doing, he told me that everything was fabulous. He started bragging about his job, and some financial wins, and some trips planned. But it was so obviously forced.
Should I reach out to my cousin? Or just let them play this charade for all to mock?
Kids say the darndest things
You are right that kids tell the truth even when they don’t know they are. I don’t know why your cousin and her husband are living the way they’re living. I can tell you that marriages don’t break down overnight even when someone is caught cheating. Many people, especially when children are involved, do everything they can to keep their marriage intact.
From your description, it sounds as though your cousin is doing just that – staying in her marriage for the sake of the children. Unfortunately, the children seem well aware of what’s going on.
Depending on your relationship with her, which by your description doesn’t sound that close, you could reach out to her. You could take her out privately and tell her that though you know it’s none of your business, you’re worried about her. Tell her that you have heard that she and her husband are going through a tough time and that you’ve noticed that she and he aren’t often together. And then say that you are there for her – and mean it! – if she wants someone to talk to. If she says thank you and denies everything, let it go. It’s not your business.
During COVID, my husband and I took our child and moved to Costa Rica. It wasn’t a permanent move, just a way to avoid what was happening in our city, get out of the winter and ride out the storm. Once things returned to normal, we opted to come down every winter and every holiday possible.
We have one son and he surfs, so he loved it down there and made some great friends. Now he’s off to university and my husband and I want to move to Costa Rica for the winter. We thought our son would be thrilled as he could vacation down there with us whenever possible and see his friends and surf.
He has shockingly surprised us with his disdain for our decision. He is refusing to spend Christmas holiday with us and says he’s going “home” to be with his grandparents and cousins. How did we misread this situation so badly and what do we do?
Costa Sun
Children need routine and most relish the comfort and safety of home. Their own room, their own bed, their own things. Your son is still young - only a teenager if he is only in his first year of uni. He may have enjoyed the novelty of living in Costa Rica during COVID, and obviously loves vacationing down there, but still wants and needs his connection to “home.”
If possible, move down after the holidays, or at least after Christmas, and have Christmas at home with your parents, your in-laws and any other extended family. THEN, either when your son goes back to school, or for the New Year celebration, go down to CR.
FEEDBACK Cocaine and billiards (July 13):
Reader - “She needs to act now to address what she is very obviously already seeing. This person has, unfortunately, become an enabler. Nothing will change until she changes something. It’s now time for some tough love before this guy drags his very concerned girlfriend down further. Her own mental health should be of primary concern.”
Reader #2 – “Yes, leave him — fast. Not only is this man above her pay grade, but she is also enabling (though I prefer the word disabling) him with her support. And given her description of him, one must wonder what the attraction is. The love, if that’s what it is, is all on one side. She needs to do some self-examination to determine whether she isn’t developing an addiction of her own — to drama, to hopeless causes, to misguided compassion, to the romantic equivalent of falling for a real estate fixer- upper.”