My sister just moved into a new building, on her own, after an ugly breakup with her now ex-boyfriend. They were together for years and everyone thought they would get married. Unfortunately, she found out that he was cheating on her and had even gotten his other girlfriend pregnant. The whole thing was so ugly!
We have rallied around her and make sure she is never alone unless she wants to be. One of her neighbours, an elderly Italian woman, has somehow been walking up and down the stairs whenever we are coming and going. I think she’s met the entire family already. On the second Sunday after my sister moved in, this neighbour knocked on her door and handed her a HUGE home-cooked lasagna that she had prepared for us, knowing somehow that there were seven of us over. We accepted and ate heartily.
When my sister got home from work the next day, she washed and returned her dish and thanked her profusely for the meal. Admittedly it was delicious.
But now this neighbour has taken it upon herself to cook food for my sister almost daily and drop it in front of her door, hot and ready when she gets home from work. She’s grateful but feels overwhelmed by her generosity, and a little stifled.
What should she say to this woman? She obviously doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
Neighbourhood Nonna
Oh, how I wish I had a neighbour who would cook me a family-sized lasagna! Your sister is so fortunate to have such a kind and generous neighbour. But I do understand how her constant offerings could start to feel overwhelming and unjustified.
I suggest your sister write her a thank you card and bring her a big bouquet of flowers and something fun, such as a bottle of olive oil, or a garlic braid – something you know she has used in her cooking. If your sister is so inclined, she could bake her a cake. And in her note, I suggest she invite her neighbour for coffee or a meal and get to know her. Once they are together, she should thank her profusely for her overly generous but kind welcome to the building and then very gently, tell her it’s enough.
Hopefully a lovely friendship will grow and maybe this Nonna could even teach your sister how to cook. (Could this be the skeleton idea for a feel-good chick flick?)
I have a friend who I thought was a friend, but she is clearly not a friend. She tells me to my face that I’m her best friend, but when we’re together in a social setting, like school, she ignores me. And when I try to make plans with her outside of school, she very obviously only agrees if nothing better comes around.
Why is she like this? I like her a lot and we’ve been friends for five years. Every year she gets less friendly. Why?
Fake Friend
Your friend isn’t acting like a good person. She is knowingly hurting you, by ignoring you in public. And to only agree to plans when she has nothing better to do is ugly. My suggestion would be to walk away from this friendship and go find other people who appreciate you, respect you and WANT to be your friends, in private and in public.
Even if you’re shy or have trouble making friends, it’s better to find nice people then to allow yourself to be treated badly. If you continue to be friends with this girl, you’re inadvertently saying that it’s OK for her to treat you this way. And she should not. Stand up for yourself.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman disintegrating from overwhelm (July 11):
Reader – “My wife was dying from brain cancer, and we regularly went to Wellspring specifically to attend a drop-in class called ‘Guided Imaging’ where we relaxed and de-stressed. At the end of the class, she would go around the room and ask who we were doing it for. One time I said ‘Me,’ that I was the caregiver, and I was doing it for all the caregivers because we were hurting, too. Afterwards several people came up to thank me for mentioning the struggle that caregivers endure.
“Your answer to the letter-writer was spot on.”
FEEDBACK Regarding role reversal (July 13):
Reader – “Karma has a way of making things right. This person’s mind will be clear, as she’s clearly doing what she can. Her sister will need to deal with her own demons.
“There’s only so much she can do and caregiver burnout is a very real issue.”