Something’s wrong with one of my closest friends and I don’t know how to talk to him. It’s been getting progressively worse and I discuss it with two of our mutual friends often.
He was a mainstream guy, had a good job as an accountant, married his high school sweetheart, bought a house. She had an affair and they split before having children, which was a blessing in hindsight. They sold the house; he bought a smaller one and seemed to take it all in stride.
About a year later, his brother drowned in a terrible accident, and my friend took a leave of absence from work. That was four years ago. He hasn’t worked since. He rents out his house for three months in the winter and moves with his dad to Arizona where they golf every day. And he rents out his house in the summer and moves up to the cottage with his dad where they golf every day.
On the outside, it looks like a nice life – golfing six months of the year. But it’s not normal behaviour for a guy who just turned 40! He’s too young to be retired without having made a fortune, and he’s too young to be spending every waking moment with his father.
Our group of friends have tried numerous times to set him up with women, to no avail. He’s just not interested. That’s not our business, so we’ve stopped trying. But he NEVER wants to hang out with us! We’ve even tried asking him to come golfing, his favourite pastime, clearly, but he still says no. He’ll text as though everything is normal – but it isn’t!
How do we get our friend back?
Gone but not forgotten
Your friend is hiding out under the guise of spending time with his father, a legitimate excuse he knows no one can dispute. And though I’m sure his father enjoys his company, and no doubt your friend’s golf game has improved, he’s not dealing with the trauma he’s endured these past few years.
When a spouse has an affair and walks away from the marriage, that can seriously affect a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence. And then to lose a sibling in a tragic accident can again have life-altering mental health consequences. Your friend needs therapy to deal with the grief and loss of both those significant relationships. For his sake, you may want to stage an intervention. But before you go that route, have you spoken with his father? You didn’t mention his age or mental health, but he sounds well enough to travel and golf so he must be doing OK. Feel him out on his thoughts regarding his son and then proceed accordingly.
Unfortunately, your friend is going to need to want to get the help he so desperately needs, and sadly, as much as you’ll want to, you can’t force him to deal with his issues head-on.
My daughter has a terrible habit of falling asleep with her light on and a book in hand. I’m thrilled she reads in bed, but I’d rather she finishes the chapter and turn off the light. How do I teach her to do that?
Bookworm Night Owl
Set a timer for her reading time. Say she’s in bed by 10 p.m., reading for 30 minutes, at which point the timer goes off. If she’s still reading, she knows to finish the page and put the book down. If she’s already fallen asleep, she’ll wake up enough to put the book away and turn off the light.
Try it for a week or so and see what happens.
FEEDBACK Regarding whisper woes (June 9):
Reader – “Be careful regarding which battles you choose to engage in with your girlfriend. There are some things between females that us guys really don’t want to know about. There are secrets, but there are also secrets.
“Could be something regarding her friend’s health, that’s none of your business. Could be an issue in THEIR relationship.
“Try simply inquiring about the topic, without the details. Watch for other clues. Are there any other potential red flags? If not, may be best to just let it go.
“Or you could take a more comical/joking approach and start having ‘whispering conversations’ with the other guy and see how the females react. Talk about things that the girlfriends are not really interest in, just to see how they react.”
Lisi – The problem is that his girlfriend now has secrets when the couple didn’t prior to this friendship.