My friend got divorced 10 years ago. Her husband was a cad, and mentally unwell. There was no love lost when they split, only wasted time. Unfortunately, he turned his back on his children, and my friend has had to single parent ever since. He also didn’t give her much money, so she worked hard, but in an industry she enjoyed and made a decent living.
It’s now 10 years later, her kids are grown and flown, and I so desperately want her to find love again. I know she wants it and she absolutely deserves it. I thought she might meet someone through her work because it’s a cool, hip industry, but that hasn’t panned out. I thought she might meet someone through friends. But that hasn’t panned out either. And I assumed that she would go online. But she hasn’t!
How can I help her?
Divorced a Decade
Your question revolves around what YOU want for your friend. Have you had a heart-to-heart with her to ask her what SHE wants? Maybe she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. Maybe she doesn’t want to find love. Maybe she’s scared to go online, or to put herself out there. Dating takes time, energy and self-confidence. One must be prepared to spend some money, waste some time (on dates that go nowhere), and manage rejection when the other guy doesn’t choose you.
Take her out and really talk to her about what she wants. Maybe she does want it but can’t bring herself to make an online profile. Go through it with her – all the available options, the work that needs to go into it, and offer your help – not just your judgment.
My son is spending his summer doing an unpaid internship for the city. It’s not really up his alley but will be good for his program and his resume, so he’s sucking it up. Some of his friends are also in the city this summer, doing different jobs, most bringing in some money, though not a lot.
Every Friday afternoon, my son and his friends pile into someone’s car and drive up to the cottage. I’m happy that we have the cottage, and that they want to use it, knowing my wife and I are here. And my wife is more than happy to stock the fridge, bake and cook for them.
We’ve had about six weekends of this, and though we’re mostly fine, we have a complaint. We told our son that anyone who comes up MUST bring their own bottom sheet and blanket, or sleeping bag, their own pillow and a towel. That way, when they vacate Sunday night, my wife and I aren’t left with a mass of laundry. It’s a lot of work to clean up after them, even without changing sheets and doing excessive laundry.
The problem: some do, some don’t and one boy, who has come up every single weekend but one NEVER abides by our “rule.” How do we deal with this?
Cottage Rules
Talk to your son and clearly explain the situation. Then tell him what the “consequences” are of his friends not abiding by these very simple and acceptable rules. Send the laundry home with your son and get him to wash and dry the sheets and towels, and then it’s his responsibility to make the beds when he arrives the following Friday. Or that particular friend isn’t welcome. Or if they forget, they need to stop at Walmart and buy themselves, at the very least, a bottom sheet and a pillowcase.
Rules are there for a reason, and your son needs to understand that and show you respect and gratitude.
FEEDBACK Regarding bouncing body (May 19):
Reader – “I was reading your piece in the paper, as I often do, and to my absolute astoundment found a reputable advice column encouraging a woman to turn to ChatGPT for advice?
“You're telling me someone whose purpose in the paper is to give people honest, human advice, is outsourcing to a machine?
“You could have recommended she check local Facebook groups for like-minded individuals; check local gyms for small classes or personal trainers; given personal statements and encouragement; any HUMAN interaction.
“In a world where AI is already stripping work, social interactions, and critical thinking skills away from people as is, it's extremely disappointing to see someone people trust encourage it's use, especially somewhere so unnecessary.”
Lisi – I’m a relationship advice columnist NOT a personal trainer or a doctor. I advised she see both. However, for many, personal trainers are unaffordable. CHATGPT can give her the boost she needs. For free!