My wife and I are in a situation that I don’t know how to get out of. We’re in our second decade of being married and we have fallen into patterns. Some of our patterns make sense because they’re part of our lifestyle; others are just habit.
For example, my wife gets up before me, makes a pot of coffee and starts her day. By the time I come down, she’s walking out the door or already gone. Everything about her coffee is strewn everywhere: the grinds, her dirty mug, dirty spoon, sugar container open and milk on the counter. Yes, I could leave it for her to clean up when she gets back at the end of the day, however, we’d have ants from the sugar, and the milk would go off. That doesn’t make sense to me. So, I clean it up. But I’m resentful.
She comes home from work and at some point, empties the dishwasher. That some point seems to always be when we have guests over, or we’re watching a big game, or some other time that is inappropriately annoying.
I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.
In a Rut
You two need a conversation and a plan. Clearly, she resents you too because her dishwasher emptying has become performative for all to see (and hear). Lay it all on the table, literally. Make cue cards of all the household chores that come with being married and owning a home. From emptying the dishwasher to grocery shopping to paying bills. You can either make a game of it or go for what you know. Meaning, you could have the cards face up and each choose what you like OR have the cards face down and suck up whatever you get.
Then discuss. For example, if she gets/chooses dishwasher emptying, discuss how it’s a noisy activity and what time of day would work best for EVERYONE for her to do it.
The goal is to live harmoniously and lovingly, not annoyed at each other for every little thing. That’s not healthy, and as you’ve seen, only builds resentment.
About a month ago, I had the most ridiculous Three Stooges incident happen. Slapstick comedy but with physical derailment. I had been walking my puppy when it started to rain, so we started to run home. As soon as I opened the door, she shook her wet fur and kept running. I still had her on leash, slipped on the rain from her fur and flew up in the air. Because I was still holding the leash, she had pulled me forward from when I went up and came down half on the stairs.
I ended up with a sprained ankle, a broken rib and a black eye from the way I landed. Probably funny to watch while it was happening, but not funny to suffer the consequences. I’m mostly fine now, but still sore.
My boyfriend, who came to my rescue, saw the whole thing happen. Thankfully, he managed to get the leash off me and get me to the hospital for X-rays, etc. And he’s been wonderful, since he’s now had to incorporate all the puppy walks into his workday.
But whenever we’re with friends or relatives, he makes fun of me, poking at how clumsy I am, how funny it was, etc. I’m finding it hurtful. Why is he doing that?
Pokey Clumsy
He may simply be trying to make light of the situation, thinking it will make you feel better to laugh. You MUST tell him that his humour is starting to fade like your bruises. Tell him that your mishap is no longer breaking news.
FEEDBACK Regarding geared out (May 14):
Reader – “Why does she sound surprised? Was she never in his previous apartment? The ultimate answer: STORAGE.
“But to also be fair to him, having multiple of things, especially shoes, have safety and health implications. Different sports require different footwear; and different weather in those sports requires different footwear.
“His gear isn’t the issue; it’s how he manages it.”
Reader #2 – “Please don’t advise people who can’t control their overflowing stuff to store it with their parents! Off-loading behavioural and relationship issues on aging relatives is horrible advice. He should get a storage locker and see a therapist to delve into why he deals with his anxiety about performance with the obsessive need to buy the latest gear.
“And she should know that this behaviour is not going to change unless he gets help for it.”
Lisi – There’s nothing wrong with what he owns; it’s how he manages it, that’s the issue.