My wife of 46 years is currently in a long-term care home and is suffering from temporal lobe dementia. This cruel disease has robbed her of any ability to speak or to recognize or engage with others, me included. The last couple of years were the worst as she became more and more hostile and her personality changed so drastically that others in our social group cut off contact because of her behaviour and erratic actions. I suspected that she was ill, but her lack of self-awareness brought on by the disease only made her increasingly angry whenever I suggested medical intervention. The health care system only became involved after our local police caught her driving her car while I was out of town and had conveyed her to a mental health facility because of her behaviour.
I am forever grateful to them and to the health care system for the subsequent care that she has received. My problem is this though: Simply put, I’m lonely and although I visit her every other day, her only response to my presence is a blank stare. I am a healthy and active 72-year-old who is living half a life and is now looking at a future devoid of the things I thought we would enjoy together. What do I do?
Alone but not single
Reach out to your friends, and those in your social group who pulled away. Be as honest as possible and tell them that you’re lonely and want to continue the friendships you once had, though now it’s just you. Your true friends will start to include you again.
Continue to do the things you enjoy, and you’ll meet other people. If you two used to play doubles tennis, tell your club you need a partner. It’s not uncommon for people to lose their (tennis/golf/bridge) partner to physical ailments and/or mental decline. But don’t hide at home because that will lead to YOUR decline.
One of my best friends, whom I have known for over 50 years, last year stopped any communication with me. As we live in different countries (and have been for decades), we communicated via Facebook messages or calls. My friend is also my son’s godmother.
Last year, I had plans to travel to Europe and messaged her that I could come by for a day or two to visit her. I knew she had some health issues so I messaged her that I would be staying at a hotel so as not to give her any extra work and that we would meet up for lunch, dinner (my treat) or spend time with each other. She never responded to my message, and I was worried that something happened to her, so I messaged her daughter and son. Her daughter responded and said that her mother (my friend) was fine and that she’ll message me back. She never did. I also emailed but didn’t get a response. I wrote her a letter, telling her if I offended her in any way that I was sorry and told her that I hope she will reconnect with me. No answer.
I send her a birthday card, Christmas card (last year) and this year an Easter card. No reply. It really bothers me how she can end our 50+ friendship without any explanation, just stopped. I guess there is nothing else I can do. What do you think?
Lost best friend
It’s crazy how often this happens! Sadly, especially because you live so far away, there’s not much more you can do. You could write her one last long letter, telling her how you feel, expressing your confusion and sadness at the loss of this treasured friendship. But then you need to move on.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sad sis (May 6):
Reader – “In this specific situation I would suggest that no friend is better than this friend. So, I would suggest to just get out. Join a club. Get involved in local municipal recreation activities. Take up a new hobby or activity.
“Last year I decided to take pickleball lessons, and now I’m hooked. (I’m late 60s) I meet a bunch of new people weekly. Gives me purpose to get up and get out, not to mention the health benefits (weight loss and lowering blood pressure and just clears my head).
“I would also question a potentially other perspective: Could this friend be suffering from some form of mental issue, such as anxiety, depression or possible early-stage dementia? Perhaps before breaking ties permanently, just ask how she is doing? Take a look using your sympathetic eye instead of your critical eye first.”