My husband and I are struggling to try to provide some sort of assistance or compassion to one of our very closest friends (a couple) who have just found out that their 45-year-old daughter has an aggressive form of cancer. Her oncologist has given her weeks to months to live. We have known their daughter since she was a young adult. Her father, probably my husband’s best friend, is having a very difficult time dealing with this; so much so, his wife is now seeking medical attention for him. It is so sad.

Our struggle is that these friends have made it very clear that they do not want anyone reaching out to them. They are providing brief updates via email but have repeatedly asked that none of us on the email thread respond by any means: email, text or in person (we live five minutes away from them). They are, essentially, coming up for air with brief updates and then covering their heads and burying themselves in grief and sorrow.

I know that we must respect their wishes, as hard as that is (it’s part of the saying, “if there’s anything we can do”) but my husband is now angry at his friend for sticking his head in the sand and putting boundaries on communication. My husband wants to comfort his friend, like his friend did when my husband’s late wife was dying of cancer. I keep telling my husband it is their daughter and their choice on how they want to handle this situation, and we need to respect that, no matter how hard it is on us/him, but then he becomes angry at me.

Any advice I can pass along to my husband?

Grief and Friendship

As you well know, everyone grieves differently. And there is no right or wrong way to grieve, though many strongly believe that showing your emotions is better than bottling them up inside. We don’t know how this couple are emoting behind closed doors.

Also, you mentioned that their daughter has only weeks, maybe months to live. It’s not surprising that they just want to cocoon with her, wrap her in their love and soak up every possible second with her.

Think about what you can do to help them maximize these last days with her. For example, drop off ready-made meals they can just pull out of the freezer; or a cozy blanket for her to wrap up in. Make a photo album of all the memories you shared together as families, which they can peruse at their leisure. Drop off a basket of treats with a note saying you’d be happy to drive them wherever they need to go, whenever they need. Just think of things that will lighten their load and allow them to focus on their daughter.

They will need your support in the next few months. Remind your husband that when it was his partner who was dying, he needed others; while this couple have each other. It’s not about his friendship, or him, or you, or the other friends. They’re not sticking their heads in the sand; they’re hanging on to each other as life rafts while they can do nothing but watch their ship go down.

Stay positive for them; as I say, they will be needing you soon. Your husband is just lashing out because he feels useless. Hug him.

FEEDBACK Regarding nap time (May 5):
Reader – “How old is she? Has she got any conditions that make having a nap beneficial to her? Does she sleep at night?

“I’m a 45-year-old woman and I take naps. We used to argue when we’d visit my in-laws because I’d nap there. I had severe anxiety that wasn’t being treated and I recently was diagnosed with ADHD. While I love my in-laws, visits to their place are SO overstimulating because they’ve always got constant noise and mild chaos. Those two hours in the afternoon made the difference between me having a break and recharging or being completely overwhelmed and stress crying in the bathroom.

“My wife and I used to fight over my need for naps. I finally agreed not to nap at her parents’ and, when she saw how much that affected me, she felt badly for not realizing that my needs were different than hers. Now she understands that it’s for my well-being. She uses that time to binge shows and do other things she enjoys. Maybe the husband could find solo activities that he can enjoy while his wife gets her rest?”