My boyfriend has this very selfish habit of getting up in the morning and making himself a cup of coffee. He’ll then go about his business, which, depending on the day, either means getting ready for work, the gym or catching up on emails at our kitchen counter.
Either way, the point is that he doesn’t make me a coffee or even ask me if I’d like one. He just focuses on himself. I find it so rude and selfish! I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t seem to register. And he hasn’t changed his ways. How hard is it to make a second cup?
This is a real dealbreaker for me – but I love this guy! And so far in our eight-month relationship, this is his only major flaw. How do I proceed?
Coffee for One
If this is his only major flaw, and everything else about him is great, then I may suggest you pick your battles. However, you stated that this is a real deal-breaker for you. If that’s the case, you need to figure out how to get through to him.
Do you cook dinner every night? If so, one night you could pretend all is normal but cook dinner only for yourself. Set the table for one, cook for one, and sit down and eat. Assuming your boyfriend notices, you could point out that how he feels is how you feel every morning when he makes himself a coffee. Try to make it lighthearted. (Have enough food so you can sit down together AFTER you’ve made your point). It’s not about the win; it’s about learning and moving forward.
If that example doesn’t work for you, find another. And if you can’t, or it doesn’t work, make an appointment with a relationship therapist who can walk him through your feelings in real time.
My daughter is a cheerleader and she’s very good. She’s probably the second best on the team, in her position. She’s been with this same group of girls, give or take, for a few years now. The girl who could be considered the best is a friend and classmate. The girls get along well, though they aren’t besties.
Over the course of their cheer careers, I’ve met the mom of this other girl many times. We’ve travelled with our daughters for competitions, been to many restaurants together with the team, and just with the moms, and have also been present at school events together.
I can promise you without a shadow of a doubt that she knows my name but for some reason that just makes my skin crawl, whenever we see each other, she’ll ask me if I’m my daughter’s mom. As in, “You’re Betsy’s mom, right?”
Why does she do that? I just want to punch her in the nose!
No Cheer!
Why does she do it? Because she sees how much it annoys you and for whatever reason (mean girls grow up to be mean women), by making you feel small, it makes her feel bigger. You could, if you felt you could, rise above and respond, “Yes, I’m Betsy’s mom, Sue.” And you could do this once or twice with a smile. Or you could just say yes and walk away.
If it really bothers you, you could call her out, and say, “Yes, I’m Betsy’s mom, Sue. I would have thought you knew my name by now.” Granted, that’s a bit snarky, but I wouldn’t judge you. And it’s better than punching her, in the nose or anywhere else.
FEEDBACK Regarding poor casting (April 1):
Reader – “I didn’t hear envy or jealousy. The problem is not celebrities ‘staying in their own lane,’ but rather people living vicariously through the lives of celebrities via social media rather than living their own lives, and how that has impacted on them mentally and emotionally.
“I think the issue expressed related more to celebrities talking about the minutia of their lives. Who really cares, for example, about the Kardashians, all of whom live lives of utter luxury and entitlement beyond the scope and reach of most of their listeners? Sadly, many people, especially young people, and it’s created a very entitled and judgmental environment.
“Social media is already undermining respectful, thoughtful, open and kind communication, while encouraging division, hate, cruelty, judgement, even aiding and abetting violence, despair and suicide against the most vulnerable and isolated among us – and all anonymously.”