I am a man, married to a woman, with kids in university. Before marriage, I had times where I wanted to be a woman. I then fell in love and married my wife and forgot about ever having these desires. In the past few years, these feelings have crept up again to the point where I have dressed as a woman in private and in public, discreetly, when I can. I also started to see a counsellor specializing in gender dysphoria to help me.
It has come to the point where I would like to start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and eventually have facial feminization surgery and gender reassignment (bottom) surgery. I never thought this would happen to me.
How can I come out to my family and my workplace? I am worried about losing my home, my job, my family, my friends, etc., but I am also hopeful something good will happen from this situation.
Concerned Transwoman
You are a strong person. This isn’t easy and you are choosing a tough road ahead. I say choosing even though I believe that we are who we are and we don’t “choose.”
I say that with love and zero judgement. Life is hard and confusing on so many levels. Hopefully we all do the best we can to be our truest selves and live the best life possible.
Obviously, you need to talk about this with your wife and children. Some therapists would suggest speaking to your wife alone, first; others recommend, since your children are all young adults, to speak with them together, as a family. That way their mother is there to support them, and they can support her. And, of course, hopefully, they can all support you on your journey. Will they all react similarly? Unknown. Will they all be supportive? Again, unknown.
If possible, I strongly recommend you seek professional therapy to help you with your dialogue. The words you use can be very helpful or harmful, so you should choose them carefully. Different people will react differently to the same words, so you can only do the best you can. And each member of your family will have different questions, concerns and feelings. Though it’s all about you, your parents, siblings, spouse and children will all be affected by this change in some way (I’m not suggesting a definitive negative effect).
As for your job, you cannot be fired for transitioning mid-career. It’s illegal to be fired, demoted or discriminated against for transitioning at work; in Canada, gender identity and gender expression are protected grounds. Of course, depending on your workplace environment, the level of acceptance vs. discrimination will trend in one direction or the other.
I pray that your family is accepting but be prepared that this could be very shocking for some of them, and their initial reactions may be out of character. The same goes for your friends. But the people who love you, will find a way to accept this changing period in your life. It may take time; it may be painful (for all of you). You need to do what’s right for you, to live a full and happy life.
FEEDBACK Regarding heartbreak (March 14):
Reader – “I agree regarding friends and family offering emotional support. But there was no mention of the legal aspects. In Canada, both breakdowns of formal marriages and partnerships have legal implications, especially where children are involved.
“I would strongly advise her seeking legal advice. Is he really planning to stay away from his family forever? Are his parents and siblings fine with never seeing him again? He still legally needs to help regarding supporting his children. He cannot hide forever.
“Plus, if the families were close, his could help get him to return regarding his legal parental duties and support.”
FEEDBACK Regarding tween (March 16):
Reader – “A 12-year-old girl should not be walking around without a shirt on around her 13-year-old brother, especially if it makes him feel awkward. She should be wearing at least a towel when going from the bathroom to her room. Maybe her mother could buy her a nice dressing gown and her own underwear.”