Many friends and relatives keep recommending for myself and my wife, both of us are 90 years old, to move to a retirement home. The problem is that we love our home of 50 years, with its garden and all its amenities. We have lots of memories here.

We both have small disabilities, and only one of us is still capable of driving. We have lots of assistance, with regular visits from P.S.W.s; and all our shopping and maintenance are taken care of by family and friends.

With the money that we have, we can stay in our home for longer than if we move to a retirement home. My understanding is that we’ll only have enough for five years in the home. What do you recommend?

Happy Home

I cannot possibly give you a definitive answer without knowing your physical health, your mental health, your finances, etc. However, my understanding is that there are long waiting lists for assisted living facilities, and so I suggest you at least get your names on a list or two.

You never know what tomorrow may bring. At 90, even the gentlest misstep could lead to a fall, which could have differing outcomes. You and your wife need to discuss all the possible scenarios. Would she want to stay in the house alone if something happened to you? Would you?

I understand not wanting to move, and I understand the financial aspect. Now, together, think practically and realistically. And do what feels right for you.

My daughter refuses to dress “appropriately.” I don’t mean that I have a problem with her fashion sense, I just mean that she doesn’t understand that different occasions call for different levels of dress. She doesn’t wear a bikini top to school, but she doesn’t understand that if she and her friends think going out in sweatpants for dinner on a Saturday night is OK, that’s not appropriate for going out with her grandparents to a nice restaurant with white tablecloths.

And don’t get me started on family events, such as Christmas and Easter, where there is no enforced dress code, but everyone else understands that it’s a special occasion and to dress “up” even a little. The fights that we have are unnecessary and huge.

How can I get my teenager to see the light? I’m not trying to change her, or be someone different. I just need her to understand social norms a bit better.

Dress Code

Now that the holiday season is behind us, take a breather for a bit. But I suggest that at some point this month, you take your daughter out – for a walk, or lunch, or even shopping – and talk this subject through with her. Explain to her, as you’ve explained to me, that this isn’t about her sense of style. It’s not about her colour schemes, or her specific wardrobe, it’s about when to wear what choices.

Most schools have some sort of dress code, and most family events have an unwritten agreement. For example, in my family, if we have a special event, no one expects the children to come in suits and ties, but they shouldn’t be in sweatpants or ripped jeans either.

Take the next event coming up – say, Mother’s Day – and discuss together what would be appropriate. If possible and affordable, maybe shop for a new top, or a skirt, or whatever she thinks is appropriate that you can agree on. And then explain to her how you’d like these arguments to stop, moving forward.

FEEDBACK Regarding the sister with personality issues (Feb. 23):
Reader – “Have to disagree with your advice that the sister who seems to have a Jekyll and Hyde personality should maybe be prescribed medication to control her emotions. Not everyone can easily control their emotions but unless the sister is considered to be a violent person, having someone medicated is not the answer because who knows the harmful effects of long-term mind-altering medications.

“I can empathize with the parents as one who is dealing with such a family member; it’s not easy for sure. You did state you were not diagnosing or prescribing.

“Of course, it would be good if we all had even dispositions, but we don’t; some people are happy all the time; others are easily offended or envious or self-centred.”

Lisi – I can only respond accordingly with the information I’ve been given.