My wife has taken up the accordion and has been learning to play it with the help of a professional teacher that she visits once a week (aside from her at-home practice). I like the sound of it — some don’t, like the bagpipes, I get that — but to me it’s a wonderfully evocative sound. It’s a very heavy instrument and she asks me to carry it to the car when she goes off to her lesson, because of her bad back. I don’t mind that so much, but a flute or even a violin would be easier.
I’m pretty old now so I do worry about how she’s going to manage when I, inevitably “pop my clogs.” The thing is, she has progressed outstandingly from raw beginner to giving local recitals. I love hearing her music wafting through the house when she practises. So, do our two dogs.
Do you think I should take up an instrument and immerse myself in my wife’s musical interests? I’m worried that we are moving further apart. I couldn’t bear that. I think I could manage percussion of some kind, or possibly something simple on the wind side. Any suggestions are helpful.
Musical marriage
I think you should take up a musical instrument if you are interested in learning to play an instrument. I don’t think you should force something just for the sake of it. It’s lovely that you help your wife carry her accordion; and it’s a bonus that you enjoy the sound of her playing. Your interest and involvement should be enough to keep you connected…. unless there are other issues at play.
Talk to your wife. Ask her if she feels you’re drifting apart. Ask her if she feels it’s contingent on her music. Make an effort to spend time together, without her accordion.
Also, there are accordion cases that come with wheels, which you could purchase for your wife on the occasion that you can’t help her transport her instrument. I’m sure both your backs will be grateful.
As a senior now, I find things change as you age. While I am considered to be quite healthy for my age, sometimes I can't quite think of a word I want to use in a conversation. Sometimes I can't come up with the name of a person I know. The question is, is it old age and normal, or some form of early dementia? In Ontario, a visit to your physician to ask that question can immediately result in the loss of your license to drive and get you “labelled.” Is there a way to get advice without that risk?
70-something and curious
Losing a word in conversation, or forgetting someone’s name, are commonplace for women during menopause; and, of course, for people as they age. There are people who NEVER remember anyone’s name, so it sounds like you’re ahead of the game.
Asking your doctor about your cognitive function is important for your brain health. There are supplements and vitamins that can be taken to enhance cognitive function. Your doctor should only report you if they feel strongly that you shouldn’t be allowed to drive due to your cognitive decline. It’s for your own safety and that of everyone else on the road.
If you’re worried, talk to your doctor. If they feel driving isn’t in your best interest, trust them. I’m happier knowing people with cognitive issues aren’t on the roads, putting other people’s lives at risk.
So, to answer your question specifically, I don’t know how you would skirt that issue, nor do I think you should.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sister behaving badly to parents (Jan. 8):
Reader – “I think you are right to question if there is something deeper going on. Is she being bullied, or having some other social issue at school or with a peer group? Has she experienced trauma such as verbal/physical assault or sexual assault?
“Sometimes teens acting out at home is a result of pent-up frustrations in their life. Is there pressure from her social circles? Other times, there is a child in the family who is aware of disharmony between the parents and acts out because of the disconnect they feel between the image and the reality they perceive.
“As you suggest, it could be a mental health issue, but it is more than just dragging her to the doctor. Someone must take an interest in reaching out to her and listening.”
Lisi – Often, there are underlying reasons for behaviour.