My wife has a friend who seems to have connections all over the world. Wherever my wife and I travel, this woman has a friend, or a friend of a friend. Often when we arrive at our destination, upon checking in, the receptionist will say, “Oh, we have a package for you.” And there will be local wines and cheeses on a platter, complimentary tickets for a wine tour, or a big basket of fruit.
It’s obviously so nice to feel welcomed and special, but I’m not that close with this woman and I feel indebted to her whenever I see her. She’s a lovely person and never asks for anything in return, but I just feel badly that we don’t reciprocate.
What should I say or do the next time I see her?
Generous Gal
You could start with “Thank you.” Perhaps you and your wife could take her out for a meal or invite her over for dinner. Perhaps you could get tickets to a show, or concert you know she’d enjoy.
It sounds as though she’s just being nice where she can. Do the same. It’s not a competition.
My daughter married a man 10 years ago whom my husband and I have never liked. It was very apparent to us then that there was something “off” about him. We regret not saying something when he asked us to marry our daughter. We were torn because we knew he wasn’t the right person for her, but we didn’t want to risk losing her, so we remained quiet.
Now they have two beautiful daughters who are the joy of our lives. Her husband was diagnosed with high-functioning autism about five years ago, which makes perfect sense. He’s very immature and because of his neurodiversity has trouble at work and has no outside relationships. We worry about how all this affects our granddaughters emotionally, having a father who is like a robot.
He offers very little to my daughter in emotional support which means she takes on 100 per cent of the mental load as he’s unable to manage. Their house is a complete disaster. Nothing gets done or maintained to completion because my daughter gets so frustrated and refuses to do everything, and he can’t contribute or start any kind of project without completely messing it up. She’s had to go on antidepressants because she couldn’t cope.
After staying home to raise her daughters, she’s now returned to work. The eldest child is having behavioural problems at school. No surprise since it’s just chaotic all the time at home.
My husband and I are very concerned about our daughter’s mental health and our granddaughters living with someone who models this behaviour. My husband and I have thought about moving closer to provide her the support she needs. She’s never once said she’s thought about separating but there are cracks. My husband and I feel she’d be better off without him but of course we feel terrible thinking like this.
We both can’t stand being in the same room with him for more than an hour before we want to strangle him. It’s all just so daunting and upsetting for us. We almost feel like we must start a campaign against him but in our hearts, we know that will only push our daughter away. We both feel helpless and can’t keep avoiding him. We have no idea how to approach our daughter about this without destroying our relationship with her. What do we do?
Campaigning for divorce
Ask your daughter thoughtful questions, such as, is she happy? Is her marriage healthy? Get her to come to her own conclusions. Then support whatever choice she makes. That’s good parenting.
Moving closer might also be helpful as you could be more hands-on with your grandchildren, giving your daughter a break from parenting. And, if affordable, perhaps you could help her hire a cleaning service, once a month or bi-monthly.
FEEDBACK Regarding the family man (Jan. 30):
Reader – “It’s extremely difficult for family and friends. I discovered ‘The Eight A’s of Dementia.’ Check your local Alzheimer Society website.
“We really don’t know what exactly is going on in the person’s mind. Your father-in-law may not fully understand or appreciate, but I’m sure your mother-in-law appreciates all your efforts.”
Reader #2 – “A useful way to help the person with memory loss is for visitors to introduce themselves on arriving, e.g. ‘Hi Don, I’m your cousin Paul.’ The person with memory loss might say that they already knew that, but it would prevent the sadness and crying that the writer mentioned.”
Reader #3 – “A dear friend, who is going through this struggle with her husband, has created a photo album of all the family and friends that visit, so that before they come or after they arrive, he can refresh his memory which gives him much joy.”