My husband’s oldest daughter is 32; he’s been divorced from her mother since she was three. I didn’t meet her until she was 18, because her mother didn’t want her around me. 

Our children are 18 (girl) and 20 (boy). We always celebrate the three birthdays together and most other holidays with his daughter. Yet she still says things that I know come from her mother.

She once told me she’s an only child. I told my husband, and he informed her that she’s her mother’s only child.

No matter what we do she manages to manipulate the situation, and always shows up late. I think she still just doesn’t like me.

- Fed Up

Despite her age, she’s still “the child” in this situation, and you are not. Your concerns over whether she likes you or about inconsequential things she says, are wasted energy and unhelpful to your relationship with her. 

Remember this: Divorce is far harder on youngsters than on new wives. She can’t help it that her mother influenced her negatively about you… all through her growing up years, and possibly still ongoing. The best you can do is being the decent person you are, treat her as equally to your own children as possible, and stop reacting to small slights.

You know she’s going to be late, so expect it: The trick is to invite her for an hour earlier than you mean. If she’s still late after that hour, start without her, with neither apology nor criticism.

I’m 42, a gay male living in a large urban centre, and over the last year the verbal abuse I get seems to increase. People yell “fag,” “gay,” etc. I should’ve learned to deal with this by now, but it’s never been so prevalent.  

I just moved to a new apartment and it’s started up there as well as at work, on the street etc. When I went to Human Resources at work, the people denied having said anything; it’s always in front of my desk, only loud enough so I can hear. HR said to confront them, but it’s not something I’d like to do; also, the EAP staffer said not to confront anyone, in case it escalates.

When I complained to my landlord, the same thing: no witnesses as I’m on my own there. My landlord says they don’t know you, so it’s just a word to get my goat.

My friends say to ignore it and operate on a higher plane. I found that effective, but it’s sometimes hard. Yet when I respond, it just degenerates into more juvenile name-calling.

I feel ignoring it is the coward’s way out. Does others’ behaviour reflect badly on me?

- Harassed

While you shouldn’t have to move or change jobs to avoid harassment, it seems there are enough uncomfortable elements in your daily life that all things need to be considered. Example: Most large urban centres have gay-friendly neighbourhoods, where you might find it much less hassling to reside. 

Being a loner at work is leaving you without any support, so work on developing at least one friendship there, through common interests or common work projects. Be friendly to other co-workers, when possible.

Also, spend more time with your personal friends, and work on building your self-esteem (counselling would help). You’ll be better able to ignore name-calling when you’re feeling more secure about yourself, and you’ll also become more pro-active wherever you can change the situation.

I’ve read a list of traits that match my ex-boyfriend’s behaviour and upbringing. 

Since these signs point to a disorder which includes suicide as a possible outcome, and given that his family has a history of suicides, even though I don’t want to be involved in his life, I’m still concerned.

What should I do about this "armchair profiling" I’ve done?

- Wondering

Get involved and follow up… or stick to your day job. 

If you choose the former, you’ll need to make inquiries about your ex through someone else who’s still close to him.

If you glean disturbing reports of his behaviour, you’ll be obliged to share your concerns based only on what you’ve read.

So long as he’s not living in isolation and others in his life know his family history, you should then back off.

HOWEVER, if there’s no sign of his being troubled, keep mum about your amateur diagnosis.