Years ago, I fell in love with a woman who was divorced with two children. Her kids were very young and adorable, easygoing, friendly children. We took our time getting to know each other, as she was very protective of herself based on her last relationship with the kids’ father. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to her, and she was skittish, fearful and very, very guarded.
Fast forward and we are long married. We have a great relationship. She has come out of her shell and is thriving in her own skin. My relationship with her children is also fantastic, and I consider them as my own.
My only issue is that one is on the spectrum, and though we originally thought he was high functioning, as he gets older, he becomes less and less capable. My wife is obviously in charge of his education and care, but I feel she’s not accepting the fact that he’s stopped growing intellectually.
I want to support her, and him, but honestly and realistically. How can I help?
Stepdad overstepping
After all these years together, you’re not overstepping. He may not be your biological child, but according to your letter, you’ve raised him from a very young age and have been far more involved in his life than his biological father.
It would behoove you and your wife to have a sit down with your son’s pediatrician and whoever else oversees his medical care (neurological specialists, psychologists, etc.). It’s important to understand how mature his brain will become, and what he will and will not be capable of. It’s extremely important to be on top of this before he ages out of the system at 18.
Whatever the answers, your support will be crucial for your wife. As parents, we all want the best for our children, which includes full and healthy lives. When that looks even slightly different than what we consider “normal,” it takes adjusting. I am certain that once your wife grieves the loss of what she had hoped would be her child’s future, she’ll get right on board to help him achieve every goal imaginable – especially with you by her side, supporting both along the way.
While walking down the street the other day, I witnessed a light version of road rage between two women in large SUVs. One woman was parked with no one in front or behind her. Across the road was a large garbage truck stopped on the sidewalk, with no one in or around it. I believe the workers were at Tim Hortons a block away.
The second woman turned into the street and realized that she couldn’t squeeze through the space between the SUV and the garbage truck. She lightly honked to get the parked car’s attention and with hand motions, signalled for her to reverse. The parked car wouldn’t budge.
I have no idea what each woman was thinking but from my pedestrian perspective there was no reason why the parked car didn’t just reverse so the other car could pass. Finally, an oversized pickup truck pulled in behind the second woman and the parked car was forced to reverse to allow room for both to pass.
As they did, she yelled at the first woman, “YOU HAD ROOM!” while the truck yelled at her, “WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST MOVE?”
My question is, why can’t people just be nice and make life easier for each other?
Pedestrian View
My answer is, I don’t know. People are very impatient on the roads these days, and aggressive driving is more common. For safety purposes, I think it’s important to remember the slogan “Leave Sooner, Drive Slower, Live Longer.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the artist who feels hurt by friends (Aug. 20):
Reader – “The artist speaks of ‘one of my friend groups.’ That suggests they have a few such groups and therefore they’re not close friends. While I expect timely responses to invitations, it would never occur to me to tell a friend or family member (other than a very close one whose events I’ve always attended) that I need them to come to my art show, dance recital, graduation ceremony or whatever. With family and work obligations, many people have few hours available for themselves and may prefer spending time doing things they really enjoy instead of attending an event they’re not interested in — and which may involve many hours along with transportation, parking and perhaps babysitting costs.”
Lisi – I don’t agree. Why can’t the artist have more than one group of close friends? Also, this is their livelihood, not a hobby.