My twin sister and I are best friends. We do everything together and always have. We shared a room at home for years, even though there was another bedroom available. We have many of the same friends and did mostly all the same sports growing up.
We both went to the same university and got the same scholarship award. We shared an apartment with a few other girls, had our own rooms, but would often end up in the same room reading, studying, watching TV, even sleeping. We are very attached and love each other unconditionally.
My problem is that she recently started dating a guy, and I can’t tell whether I have feelings for him (which is not cool, I know), or whether I hate him for taking her away from me. I’m so confused, and I’ve yelled at her a few times for no reason.
How do I deal with this?
Twins Together
As you know better than I do, twin mentality can be very complex. Obviously, you two have a unique and special bond that singletons will never fully comprehend. All the pros and cons of having a sibling are intensified in a twinship. And as you’ve described, your personalities and lives are intertwined in a way that most people, even couples, don’t have.
So, it’s not surprising that you’re having trouble grappling with your sister dating. This is one of those areas that should NOT be a shared experience. Talk to your sister. Tell her that you’re feeling confused. Work through it together. The better you communicate, the more positive the experience will be for everyone, including her new guy.
My sister-in-law just lost her baby in her fifth month of pregnancy. She has one child, three years old, and was having trouble conceiving for a second time. This was a very welcome surprise when they found out almost two months in. She could barely contain her excitement and had a hard time keeping it quiet for another month. As soon as she had her first trimester checkup, she was literally telling everyone.
The doctors aren’t certain why the pregnancy terminated, and my sister-in-law is fraught with grief. The toddler doesn’t understand and keeps asking when the baby is coming. Her husband has turned stoic and silent with us – I don’t know how he is with her.
How can I support them?
Sad Loss
There are a multitude of ways to support this family, so here are just a few suggestions: Can you drop off food, such as basic groceries? Perhaps cook up an extra lasagna and/or chili and pop it in their freezer? Can you offer to babysit the toddler, or pick the child up from daycare/preschool? Can you take your sister-in-law to the spa for a few hours? Or even just to get a pedicure?
Your sister-in-law should also talk to someone, such as a therapist/grief counsellor who specializes in pregnancy loss. You could offer to go with her to her doctor or ob./gyn to get the right information.
Just being around and available to give her hugs, a knowing glance and emotional support will be so helpful and appreciated.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother who gave her babies up for adoption (Nov. 13):
Reader – “This letter touched a nerve with my wife and I, as we’ve been foster parents for the past 46 years with 133 children in our care and 50 adopted from our home, including two by us. Often, it's very courageous for a mother to give her children up for adoption; they may’ve fallen to the wayside, due to an abusive childhood.
“We admire these mothers as they know they don't have the resources to care for these children, financially or psychologically, but more importantly for their safety. We’ve had mothers delivering the baby in the maternity ward and telling CAS they want the baby adopted, which is better than a mother giving birth in an alley and walking away, as we’ve seen.
“We’ve always been very supportive of these mothers in telling their children as they grew up that their mother loved them very much but was unable to care for them. We are extremely involved with birth parents being supportive with this sensitive transition. None of us should judge these parents, as their decisions are intensely heartbreaking for them.”