I’m in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives in Mexico. I’m worried about our relationship because he has three daughters from two different women.
One daughter lives with her mother in the United States. He’s lost touch with both mother and child and is trying to find them to again have contact and relationship with his daughter.
But it sometimes feels that he’s spending more time talking to his family than me and my seven-year-old daughter (from someone else). I’ve said that I feel a little neglected.
Sometimes he says things about me that he doesn’t intentionally mean, but to me he comes across as insensitive or hurtful.
I know he still truly wants to be with me because I’ve talked to him about that, and he said so.
I’m supposed to return to Mexico in November, hopefully for six months to live with him in his house and see how we’re getting along when spending time together in person.
We need to do this before making any more serious plans.
But I have doubts because I’ve tried to talk to him about the way he sometimes talks to me. He doesn’t understand how I feel and doesn’t totally see it my way as I think he should.
Should I continue the relationship and go to Mexico, or not?
You’re clear on what you want for yourself - more attention, more agreement with your thoughts - but you show little grasp of your boyfriend’s strong reasons to be worried and distracted:
Three daughters, their two mothers, no contact with one mother and his child.
Will living together awhile improve your relationship? Not if your measure of him is only about how attentive he is to you and your daughter.
It’s a complicated relationship - long-distance during travel difficulties (plus Mexico’s high rate of Covid-19 infections and limited medical resources).
And a man who already has important relationships to juggle.
You’d have to be a very confident, giving, understanding woman for this union to last.
Currently, I’m doubting it. But, since the decision’s still yours to make, focus first on your own young daughter, so that she’s secure in your attention.
A couple months ago I was rushed to a hospital with severe stomach pain and vomiting green bile. My husband of two years (no children) recently returned to working at the office. He said it’d be faster if I called an ambulance.
I did. My appendix burst just as we arrived.
I was scared to be in a hospital during a pandemic but I was well cared for. I called my husband daily.
He kept saying that things were “crazy busy” at the office. He never visited me.
Ever since I’ve been home and healing, I keep remembering one nurse’s aide asking me, “Where’s your husband?” I knew there was no explanation that either she or I would accept.
Do you think this warrants my divorcing him?
It certainly warrants a conversation that goes beyond “busy office.” Was he so scared of catching Covid that he clung to the “busy” excuse?
Or, does his reputation on the office team matter more than supporting his wife through a serious health scare and surgery?
He owes you an explanation. Even if unacceptable, counselling may still help your marriage, IF he’ll go with you.
If not, go yourself and take a break period to decide on divorce.
A friends’ three daughters are similar ages to our girls. We often spend time together.
The father’s openly most proud of his eldest who’s very academic, sporty, with a bubbly personality. The younger two are less accomplished but very nice.
When out, the father mostly talks about his eldest daughter.
I always try to show an interest in her sisters when we’re together.
The father’s favouritism must be affecting them, as they’re quiet and shy while the older one’s very confident and outgoing. Should I say something to the father?
Lead by example. Openly compliment the younger girls on whatever qualities you see in them - e.g. helpful, kind, polite.
Also, discuss and encourage their interests - animal lovers, artistic, readers, anything that distinguishes them.
Enthuse about these qualities/interests to their father. If no change, casually tell their mother that these daughters would also benefit from attention and praise. Let her tell him.
Tip of the day:
When everything signals a complicated relationship with many stresses, protect your own child, and wait till your boyfriend solves his problems.