My grandmother started to lose her sense of self after my grandfather passed away. She was 75 years old. I didn’t recognize the signs at first, thought she was making jokes, or just being silly. But there was something different about her manner, and her response to my reactions. Then one day I got a call from the neighbour that they had seen her walking down the street in her housecoat. I was at work and asked them to try to catch her up and bring her home, while I made my way over.

When I arrived, she was sitting in her living room, using her television remote to change the mirror above the fireplace, patting a pillow and calling it by my dog’s name. Obviously, I knew we were past the point of her living solo any longer. I called my sister, who lives out of country, and asked her to help me make phone calls to facilities. In the meantime, I searched for someone to move in until we could figure it all out.

My grandmother was my best friend and took over my parents’ role when they both died within a year of each other, due to illness. I don’t know how to do this all alone, and I’m not sure how I’m going to survive without any “parental” guidance going forward. Can you help?

Orphaned Again

I’m so sorry for your previous losses, and for this one. Sometimes, the cognitive loss can be more profound than the physical one. Hopefully, and thankfully, your sister is helping you with the initial reach-outs to the facilities. There are many, and yet, depending on where you live, they have long wait-lists and can be very costly.

Finding a live-in caregiver can also be difficult as they have parameters and can also be quite costly. But you can’t live with your grandmother and care for her 24/7.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest you take your grandmother to her own physician for a comprehensive checkup. Sometimes, a physical ailment can cause cognitive responses that don’t seem connected. Elderly women commonly get UTIs that then present atypically as confusion, agitation or even delirium. I’m certainly not diagnosing, but it’s a possibility you shouldn’t rule out.

Unfortunately, one day (hopefully not soon) your grandmother will pass and leave a void. No one can fill her shoes, just as no one could replace your parents. Reach out to aunts, or other older women you may know, for support and guidance. And perhaps, if possible, investigate finding someone professional to speak with about everything going on in your life.

My friends recently took me out for a birthday dinner. We started at one friend’s house for cocktails and some light snacks and then got a ride to the restaurant. We ordered all sharing foods, and it wasn’t overly pricey. We had a few more drinks and we talked and laughed.

But then I noticed the girls looking at each other funny and I wasn’t sure what was going on. The one I was sitting beside me took my hand and said, “Honey, we’re so glad we could make this dinner happen. We want you to know we all love and support you.”

And then they told me my husband was cheating. What now?

Birthday Bomb

You decide what you want to do. Assuming you trust these friends, did you ask for proof? Could they give you any? Not that it matters. Doubtful they would take this lightly.

Do you want to hear him out? Might you be willing to work through his infidelity? Or do you just want to cut and run? Is that even possible for you?

Take some time to figure out what you need and want. Take a pause from your marriage, sleep at your mom’s or a close friend’s. Talk to a therapist to help you sort through your emotions and how to move forward.

FEEDBACK Regarding Old School (Jan. 5):

Reader – “Why do people feel the need to add ‘I’m not judging’ when, in fact, they are?  There’s nothing wrong with judging.  We all do it. We judge the quality of clothing and furniture as well as its cost and appropriateness.  We judge the food we eat.  We evaluate movies, music, tradesmen, politicians, doctors, hairdressers, sports figures, teachers, columnists, and even the comments of total strangers online, assigning them assorted symbols to indicate our approval or disapproval.  Why, then, the reluctance to assess the possibly dangerous behaviours of our own offspring?  Perhaps a better phrase would be ‘I don’t condemn’ — though even condemnation is surely acceptable with certain behaviours.

“Her daughter’s smoking pot all night long when she goes out (before, during and after these outings) and sometimes on weekend afternoons.  If she goes out as much as many people her age, that could be a lot of pot. Not surprising then, that she doesn’t approve.”