I’m in a committed loving long-term relationship with my partner. Five years ago, she bought a condo, ready for Summer 2022.
We met over a year ago and our relationship’s great. We want to live together as the next step.
What are your thoughts about me being a co-owner? Since it's a serious relationship it would make sense, right? I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.
Love and Real Estate
I’ll start with “thoughts” since you two should be talking to a lawyer soon, before the condo’s finished.
On the relationship side, whether you move together at your current place or hers, it’ll mean sharing living costs and daily habits/needs. You’ll both need to recognize and discuss openly any relationship issues that arise when sharing so much space and time.
Closer to the condo co-ownership decision and after you get legal advice, your relationship needs to feel firm and trusting as you both analyze the “ownership” question.
This purchase was initially your partner’s personal investment. Ask her directly what her expectations were, e.g., sole ownership, and have they changed? By this time, you should also know whether you’re considering marrying and the legal implications.
The same laws don’t always apply to common- law unions, depending on the legal jurisdiction where you live.
My relationship advice is to discuss all this now, again in six months, and again before making a final decision.
I was the maid of honor for a then- “best” friend ("R") whose large wedding was four years ago. I and all the bridesmaids spent good money and lots of travel time (including going away for her bachelorette).
R hasn't made much effort to maintain our friendship. She had a child one year ago and no longer reaches out or wants to visit but, during Covid, I don't feel the need to address it. I now consider her no longer a temporarily distant friend.
A mutual friend ("J") – another former bridesmaid of R is now getting married in a very small ceremony and an evening on the beach to celebrate. The location requires a hotel-stay. R is her matron of honor.
Now, when needing to book our rooms, she’s asking the group whether they’re bringing their spouses or not (to keep numbers down). She says that she's concerned about childcare and her husband’s worried about Covid.
But I know them both to be vaccinated and to have grandparents who’d love to spend time with their grandchild.
It’s not my business but I'm really annoyed with R. J’s wedding has been cheap, easy-going and nowhere near the stress that R’s was. The wedding’s taking place during the summer, while they're on holiday. I feel she’s being rude.
Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel the need to call her on it but I'm afraid my general resentment (her distancing) gets in the way here. What's the correct course of action?
You’re already correct about one thing: It’s not your business. Do nothing.
I get it that R was a close friend who was a demanding bride and has since distanced. But along with having a new life as a mother, she’s also dealing like everyone else with COVID-19.
There’s no surprise that the pandemic has raised anxieties and stresses on most people, including yourself.
And you acknowledge that one of your own negative reactions is to feel resentful for the breach in your former friendship.
These are unusual times. Hopefully they’ll pass without you making yourself and others feel unnecessarily worse.
FEEDBACK Regarding the divorced couple considering remarrying each other, despite that the ex-husband has a second wife and two young children with her (April 6):
Reader – “What about the second woman he married and with whom he had two children?! What about her feelings? Her life will be turned upside down if the original couple get back together again! What about their treating her with empathy and compassion? Imagine her feelings about another woman being the step-mother of her children!!! She didn’t break up their marriage!”
Ellie - Here’s what I did write in my column answer to that wife who was contemplating re-marrying her ex-husband, and called on her empathy if they went ahead:
“When certain that you’re ready for re-marriage, focus on the responsibility of helping raise his young children. A step-mother’s role requires kindness and patience to help children adjust to new circumstances. Be sure you can handle it.”
Tip of the day:
Co-habiting is a relationship, while property co-ownership is business.