I work with a man who shows me nothing but disdain. We work for the same company but in different departments. On any given day, we don’t need to see each other or have any interaction. But somehow, he looks for ways to get in my face. He’s constantly attempting to “get me in trouble.”
I had a private conversation with my direct supervisor, and she can see that his attempts are unfounded. She’s not concerned. But he’s relentless. I don’t think I can handle working with him much longer.
How do I change this narrative, so I don’t have to find another job?
Singled Out
Talk to your direct supervisor again. Ask her if she can speak with his supervisor who can hopefully tell him to back off, with a warning. If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to go to HR.
If, due to restrictions, he doesn’t get his hand slapped enough to stop, then you may choose to leave your job, so you no longer have to deal with him. No, it’s not fair, but unfortunately, that’s how the chips fall sometimes. I’m not suggesting you walk away with your tail between your legs. I’m just suggesting that sometimes it’s not worth the fight.
My sister-in-law’s father dropped dead while on vacation this past holiday season. It was devastating for everyone as it was totally unexpected. My SIL is in a state of shock. She had to fly down to the location, identify her father and arrange to bring his body home. Her mother, unfortunately, is the partner who is diminished both physically and mentally. She is incapable of being alone and has lost all her executive functioning skills.
Fortunately, some close friends were staying in the same resort and were able to take care of her for the two days before my SIL arrived. Now everyone is home, her father has been buried, and she is left trying to figure out what to do all while raising two small girls and juggling her career.
Her husband (my brother) is helpful with the girls, but he travels for work, at least several days a month. Our parents have stepped in to help with the girls, but my SIL is overwhelmed. Sadly, her brother is also unwell, battling a debilitating cancer. He’s not much help to her in any capacity.
I don’t want to overstep, but I don’t want to sit idly by. She and I haven’t had the easiest relationship over the years. What do I do?
Sister in Need
You put your differences aside and step up. Tell your SIL that you want to be there for her. Tell her you are happy to do anything she needs. Tell her to request of you what she would have requested of her brother.
Then do it. No comments or opinions necessary, unless specifically asked for. This is a VERY tough time for your sister-in-law. She is under immense pressure. She still must maintain her job, her role as a mother, and as a wife all while shifting into caregiver mode for her mother and mourning the loss of her father.
It would be so helpful if your husband – or any other close relative - could help make calls regarding her mom. It sounds as though she’s going to need either a live-in caregiver or be moved to an assisted living facility.
I am sure that you also have your hands full, with your own career and children (you didn’t mention; I’m just assuming); and I’m sure you feel the loss of this in-law as well. You all need to lean on each other for support.
FEEDBACK Regarding time management (Nov. 3):
Reader – “It’s clear that they all have ADHD. Difficulty with time management is a hallmark symptom. They need to be assessed and get some treatment, not be admonished.”
Reader #2 – “Mom’s inability to organize, get herself and the kids out of the house on time, sounds like classic ADHD behaviour. It’s highly heritable. My mom was extremely ADHD, and it’s hard growing up like that. (My adult children, and one of my grandchildren have all been diagnosed with ADHD as well.)
“Mom probably feels a deep sense of shame at her inabilities... ADHD is an executive function issue that can't be ‘fixed,’ but can be treated and alleviated. Education (and often medication) is key.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the loss of friends (Nov. 3):
Reader – “At each phase of my life I’ve had new friends: school, high school, university, jobs, retirement.
“I’m not the same person I was during each phase. Why would my friends stay the same?”