While I was married, my husband cheated on me. We divorced and went our separate ways. A few years later, I met a wonderful man and we started dating. His wife had cheated on him. We had that in common, and it was bonding.

We talked a lot about why we think our spouses cheated, what we could have done differently, and what wouldn’t have mattered no matter what. We believe our spouses cheated for different reasons, but the result was the same.

We got married a few years ago and everything has been wonderful, until recently. His wife had met her affair at the gym, which irked my present husband because he had pushed her to go to the gym to get healthy. I recently had a health issue and now need to go to the gym for rehab.

My husband is anxious every time I go. How can I get it through to him that I am not his first wife, and just because she cheated at the gym doesn’t mean I will?

Gym Jam

I strongly suggest you two speak to a professional in post-divorce marriage counselling. Your present husband has fears that are legit, but that he needs to overcome in order to have a healthy relationship with you, and with the gym. Her affair was not about the gym – but he’s making it about the gym.

You can also suggest that he come with you whenever you go to the gym. Not to watch over you, or control you, but to work out and get healthy. Couples who work out together enjoy the effects of the serotonin together. Go home and shower together, then make a meal together and see where that leads. For your sake, I really hope your husband gets the help he needs to let this anxiety go.

My daughter is starting university in a week and up until now she has been very excited. Today she is having a panic attack and nothing I say is helping her. She’s afraid she’s not going to meet any new friends; she’s afraid she’s going to fail her courses; she’s afraid she’s going to hate her roommate; she’s afraid she’s going to sleep through her alarm; she’s afraid she’s going to hate all the food, etc. etc.

I’ve tried to calm her down, to talk through every point, but she’s borderline hysterical. She’s not usually this anxious of a person. What do you think has changed?

Uni-feared

EVERYTHIING your daughter is thinking is completely normal. She has lived at home, in her safest space, with her loved ones her entire life. For the first time ever, she will be on her own (that’s not to say she’s never gone on holiday or school trip. But those are short, finite periods of time).

Things she never had to even think about before, such as finding food that suits her palate, are weighing on her. And it’s not just the food; it’s a whole whack of issues all at once, the ones you pointed out.

First, she needs to regulate her breathing and her physiology (Note: this was dealt with when the question first arrived). There are multiple ways of doing this, but box breathing is excellent. Then make her a cup of chamomile tea, which has natural anti-anxiety properties.

Once she’s calm, sit her down and talk through all the points with her, slowly and calmly. Discuss how she can overcome each fear by good preparation and backup planning. For example, get a new alarm clock AND utilize the alarm on her phone. And when you move her in, bring a welcome gift for her roommate to break the ice and buy her lots of good snacks to keep in her room.

FEEDBACK Regarding this is no party (June 13):
Reader – “Excellent suggestion. A friend attended her son’s church while visiting him in Nova Scotia.  The minister announced that a member of the congregation had just been diagnosed with cancer.  He then passed out a list of what was needed in the way of rides to get to treatment appointments (with dates and times specified), babysitting for her children, etc.  By the end of the service everything had been covered with no one person taking on a huge share.”

Lisi – I love this!

FEEDBACK Regarding dumped and cheated (June 16):

Reader – “I somewhat agree with Lisi’s response.  I would want to see how sincere she is regarding addressing the root cause of her cheating.  Is she willing to attend couples counselling and be open?  If yes, maybe give it a cautious try.  If no, see a lawyer NOW to initiate divorce proceedings.”