About 10 years ago, I went on a date with a woman, and we hit it off amazingly. We dated for a short four months when she told me she was pregnant. I was 30 and she was 26, and together we decided to go for it. We moved in together, had our baby, got married and had another. We had a lot of fun together, but something always felt missing.
Last month, as we were getting into bed, she looked at me and asked if I felt we had made a mistake by getting married so soon into our relationship. I was honest and told her that it felt like the right thing to do in the moment, but that truthfully, we barely knew each other.
I asked her if she was happy and she said no. And it hit me that I’m not happy either. We held each other and cried but agreed that something needed to change.
Do you think we should just cut and run? Or do you think there’s a different path for us?
Too New
I think you need to discuss your options. You did the “right thing” in the moment, you built a family, and it worked for a decade. That’s longer than many marriages last, so you should be proud of yourselves.
From my perspective, you have three choices: The first, as you say, is to cut and run. In other words, get a divorce and move on with your lives separately. The second option is to remain together unhappily, which isn’t healthy for you, her or the kids. I don’t suggest this is your best choice.
The other option is to go to counselling. A marriage counsellor can help you two pinpoint where your disconnect stems from, and how, if possible, to find ways to reconnect. You’re right that you barely knew each other when you fully committed, and then you were forced to grow together as a couple and as parents from the get-go. You both need time to look in the mirror and figure out what YOU want out of life.
The counselling isn’t the opposite of splitting up; it’s meant to help you figure out what you want, and if there is a possibility of staying together while still growing independently AND being happy. Divorce is expensive and always hard on the children, especially since yours are still young. This last option is the one I would advise you to do. Give your marriage the chance, with help, before turning your back on the last decade.
I came home from a weekend away to find a dead bird on my front porch. Thankfully, my boyfriend was helping me unpack the car, so I asked him to dispose of it for me. I was shocked when he carelessly kicked it off the porch before picking it up with a piece of newspaper lying around and tossed it in the bin. My heart actually broke and my feelings for him went up in smoke.
How could anyone treat a creature so coldly?
Out with the trash
I would be shocked by that behaviour as well. A dead bird is still a bird and deserves a kinder treatment. I’m sure some people would even consider burying a bird and would be horrified at your story.
Before you break up with your boyfriend over this though, I would talk to him about it. Ask him why he was so callous in his treatment. Ask him if he would do the same for a mouse, cat, squirrel, dog, etc. Hear him out. It could have been a one-off. It could have been a knee-jerk reaction. Think before you react.
FEEDBACK Regarding foot hygiene (June 10):
Reader - “The writer stated they didn’t have a problem with bare feet in sandals, as long as they were pedicured. I’m a 76-year-old woman with gnarly toes and misshapen toenails, inherited from my father. As people who have hammer toes age, their toes frequently become increasingly misshapen and toe joints fuse into painful and awkward positions. This has happened to my toes; however, I believe that I’m entitled to wear sandals without socks if I wish. Also, as a senior living on a fixed income, I cannot afford regular pedicures nor chiropody treatments.”
FEEDBACK Regarding lost Jelly Cat (June 16):
Reader – “I think she approached the little girl and her dad to ask if THEY had found the lost one. And took it. She was probably accusatory. This was not a good idea.
“A toy was lost. A toy can be repurchased. Passersby must not be assumed to be thieves.”