Years ago, in my 20s, I dated a man I chose to marry. He was lovely in all aspects except he didn’t want to have children. The problem with that is that he never told me. Yes, of course, we talked about everything before we got married. And I remember talking about wanting children. But I don’t remember what he said if he said anything at all.
Fast forward and I got pregnant. He was angry but didn’t ask me to do anything about it. Good thing because I wouldn’t have. We had our daughter and he fell in love. He was a wonderful dad and we were happy.
But then I got pregnant again and this time he was irate! I tried to explain that I wasn’t getting there on my own, but he was impossible to talk to. He left and didn’t come home for three days. On day two, I started calling around and no one knew where he was, but his mother told me to wait it out another day. On day three, my mother was over and we had just decided to call the police when he walked in the door. He apologized and said he just needed some time.
Our second daughter was born, and he was a fabulous dad to both our girls. I truly thought I was the luckiest woman with this wonderful family. Until two years later when I found out he’d been cheating on me for at least a year.
Why would a man who doesn’t want children start up with another woman when clearly he has potent sperm and is good at making babies?
No Baby Daddy
I couldn’t tell you why your husband cheated on you. And I agree that it seems strange since he was so afraid of siring children. But people cheat – men and women. Some cheat because they’re bored with their partners; some cheat because they need the attention; still others cheat because they lack the self-discipline to not be distracted by another person while in a relationship with someone else.
I assume that you are no longer married to this man, which is the right thing, for you. He wasn’t loyal. He can still be a good dad to your girls, but he is no longer a good husband to you. Walk away. You will find someone better suited.
My son is on the spectrum and has managed to have a great school life and a wonderful group of friends. He has come to find his place at a summer camp, where he goes for two months every year. He is treated like gold, and the boys absolutely adore him and incorporate him into everything.
I just found out that he had a girlfriend for the past four weeks! Apparently, she is also on the spectrum, but lower functioning. My initial reaction is that I’m happy my son found someone who “loved” him for who he is. But the more I think about it, the more concerned I am. My son is 18 and his girlfriend is 19 – both of an age where sexual activity is the norm. I don’t know what they did sexually, but I’m afraid to ask.
How do I parent this?
Love on the Spectrum
Talk to your son. Calmly and quietly get him to open up to you. Encourage him to share his experiences. If he doesn’t mention his girlfriend, push him in that direction. Talk to him about sexual activity and make sure he knows about consent. Discuss all the ins and outs of sex and sexual activity and make sure he has a clear understanding. Then watch him grow.
FEEDBACK Regarding cancer diagnosis (June 13):
Reader – “I’ve lived the diagnosis, treatment, and emotional toll of brain cancer on both my sister and my wife and it’s terrifying. My sister passed away within the year. My wife has lived with the disease for nine years. Both my sister and my wife were diagnosed around 50. My wife is almost six years stable.
“My advice is to live your life and share every milestone of your new child with your sister. The child is a precious gift, and this is the most important and meaningful contribution you can make. The joy of a new child is a welcome relief for all involved: everyone needs as much normalcy to help with the stress that everyone is experiencing.
“Our seven-year-old granddaughter is our rock. When I'm with her, I get to do all the grandparent things, and my wife gets a distraction from the 24-7-365 thing in her head.”
Still living, loving and laughing every day