Dear Readers: In a recent column, a mother signed “Devastated” argued against the decision of her daughter, 20, to invite to her wedding a “toxic” ex-friend of the mother’s. The daughter hadn’t been told the reasons for their split, and had been permitted to keep contact with this formerly close family friend.
I advised the mother to finally reveal the story and show her daughter trust in whatever decision she makes… also to back off trying to take charge of the wedding.
At my request, many of you responded, so here’s a selection of your thoughts:
*The mother of the bride doesn't have a say on who gets invited. It’s not her wedding.
If her daughter and the woman still have a relationship and the daughter wants to invite her, it’s her decision.
The mother should just keep her mouth shut.
*I'm with you on that one, Ellie. If the mother had been more forthcoming about why she ended the friendship, then her daughter might be more understanding now.
However, I'd suggest she come clean sometime later. Mom has to just deal with it at the wedding.
It's only one day.
*The mother should take the high road, and agree with her daughter's wishes. She’ll be so busy that she needn't spend much time with the friend.
*The mother could invite a date to the wedding (or the girl's father) so she'd have someone to talk to and watch over her.
For certain, if the other woman comes, alcohol should be consumed only in moderation, if at all!
ELLIE: The alcohol warning is wise; all too often people think a couple of drinks will lift their nervous tension, but if there’s already ill-feeling under the surface, alcohol has a way of bringing it out!
*Weddings should ALWAYS be about the bride and groom, especially when it comes to the guest list. I understand that parents want to make impositions when they are footing the bill, but when it comes to making the day special - that usually boils down to who's invited.
The mother should see beyond herself and encourage her former friend to be there.
I suggest the mother tells her daughter she’ll email her former friend a note saying, "I hope our differences won't interfere with my daughter's big day, and I'm glad she will have your support. You are welcome and thanks for attending."
ELLIE: You’re the ultimate Peacemaker, and anyone who has you around when there’s a conflict, is lucky to hear your perspective, which looks forward instead of to the past.
*I don't think the mother needs to disclose the details as to why the relationship was toxic. The daughter should really respect her mother's wishes as she’s not asking much.
What happened between the two may be something that a mother wouldn’t want her daughter to know. It's likely that her mother's discomfort will be obvious not just to her daughter but to other guests, something the future bride may actually regret later on as she reflects on her day.
I've ended a long-term friendship that was very toxic. There was no need for me to convey why to anyone else as I expected them to make their own evaluations without being affected by my opinion.
ELLIE: As someone who’s “been there,” you understand the mother. But is her daughter’s wedding the time for demanding an uninformed choice?

I’m 33, dating a man, 26, for two months.
Recently, he said he’d like to be monogamous with the odd, open “fling.” He argued that men are naturally promiscuous, and he’d be fine if his partner did likewise. I’m not looking for an open relationship and said maybe we should consider not dating.
He got upset, and said he’d be willing to be monogamous with a life partner if she disagreed with having an open relationship.
Is he likely to end up being a cheater?

- Wary

It’s early days of dating, and he foolishly mouthed off. Or… he’s already given you an alert to what will come later when he’s no longer trying to woo you. Best to look at his previous dating pattern, and what caused his breakups.
Also, check out his other theories on gender differences and what’s “natural” to men. There may be more surprises for you to consider.