Dear Readers - We learn from each other. Your own trial solutions and research into personal problems, help us all see potential strategies we haven’t yet tried:
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the issue of premature ejaculation (PE):
“From my experience with my husband’s PE, the important first step is an honest, empathic conversation.
“My husband’s and my problem with premature ejaculation resolved when I shared with him that it was okay to fail.
“PE meant that it wasn’t a mechanical or arousal problem. It meant that I arouse him a lot, not the opposite.
“Second, I had to be honest: I don’t always orgasm through intercourse. That doesn’t mean that I won’t the next time.
“And how long did I want intercourse to last? An hour (no thanks!)?
“Third, I learned that PE is often caused by anxiety about losing an erection and/or failing to please a partner.
“We were both being disappointed and frustrated.
“I realized it’s unfair to expect men to always be ready for sex and orgasm when women are not. How destructive for the man I love to feel those pressures in our most intimate moments.
“Our last conversation worked because I was equipped with introspection, some basic facts, and empathy.
“I said that I’d read that men sometimes ejaculate too soon because they’re afraid of going soft.
“He agreed. I said that I don’t always orgasm so why should we expect the same of him?
“I told him that men’s erections vary in hardness during intercourse. On average, men usually only last around five minutes.
“And that I knew he’d be back at it again during the night or next morning. Sometimes the journey can be much more pleasurable than reaching the destination.
“Taking the pressure off worked. We've had no problems since then.
“There can be many other reasons for premature ejaculation but saying, "I've read (a fact) ..." is a good way to start the conversation.
“If the cause is performance anxiety, the partner’s reassurance goes a long way to helping and may be all that he needs.
“They could also agree to her orgasming before intercourse which should relieve some of her frustration and may take some pressure off him.
“If the cause is more complex, she could suggest seeing a doctor with him to figure out why it's happening to them.”
An unfriendly next-door neighbour who’s never spoken to us, showed his scary side on Halloween night.
We hung a little ghost decoration on a tree branch that reaches over our property from his.
We thought he wouldn't mind a small balloon hung by string that lit up as a ghost. It weighed little and wouldn't harm the branch which is far enough over to not be associated with his home.
He pulled up in his car and, in an extremely angry, loud voice used the “f” word five times about getting it “off my f-g tree now!”
He walked off before I could apologize. Lesson learned: never assume! In hindsight, we should’ve asked.
I’m still very upset. He yelled so loud I was frightened.
How do I stay living next to this person who clearly hates us?
Can’t Sleep for Worry
The man is rude, nasty, disrespectful. But yes, the small error in judgement was yours.
A short, sincere apology would normally be appropriate. However, he’s so volatile that it may be wisest to just avoid him.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the man whose wife befriended a female neighbour. When the man’s wife was killed in a freak accident, the neighbour saw that the widower was in shock. I’ve been meaning to reply for so long (July 22):
“The naive widower should’ve known better than to let a married woman pay so much attention to him. He may not have seen it coming, but I believe it was the woman's plan all along.
“She liked the neighbour’s husband better than her own, whom she divorced after 18 months, and had to make her move for the widower before some other woman did.
“Her own now-estranged children know it. They see right through her and have cut ties.
“I’m all for making amends and forgiveness, but the guilty party first must admit, then ask for it.
“In this case, the couple both claim innocence, and there’s been no family healing with her children.”
Tip of the day:
When there’s an ongoing sexual problem for either partner, discuss it as a couple’s problem to research and find emotional, physical or medical help together.