Our son’s expecting a baby with his new wife.

She’s turned into Mom-zilla. She’s LOUD, swears, and when thwarted, resorts to screaming and tears.

She fights constantly with her husband because she’s always right. We’ve talked to both of them, but nothing gets through.

How do I handle her without saying, “Grow up and stop making everyone miserable”? She does have a huge heart.

Mom-in-Law

Appeal to her huge heart. Say you’re delighted about the coming baby, and eager to help her give that baby a happy, secure environment.

Be prepared – and sympathetic – to hearing stresses she feels with a first pregnancy. Ask what she needs… perhaps some anxieties are triggering her confrontations and fears.

Once you show emotional support, you can then talk about positive plans for the baby, and creating a more peaceful home. Make sure she’s assured your son will also be helping out.

My daughter, late-30s, was a very pleasant child, an over-achiever, smart, and beautiful. At puberty, she became sullen and rebellious. She and her father clashed constantly.

She has a post-graduate degree, but never got a real job.

She’s always been heavily into women's issues and disdained my more conservative views, but I accepted her for who she was. We were great friends until she and my mother bought a house together.
 They had a financial agreement and my daughter was to care for my mother's daily needs, but eventually stopped.

I was divorcing so it was decided that I move into the basement and hurry along a renovation. I had to manually help finish it. I was very unhappy, but I persevered.

Yet my daughter still showed disdain. When my mother died from cancer, my daughter didn't want me to stay. She blamed me for everything, and bullied me into paying many of her bills.

I tried to keep contact but without much luck. She isolated herself from the rest of the family for years.

Two years ago, I learned that she was in a hospital psychiatric ward, evicted for not paying her mortgage. She seemed glad to see me. I got her released to my care and took her home.

When she got permission to return to her house, it was filthy, badly hoarded, and had mold.

Her father loaned her the money owing the bank, and to fix the house, she was to get a mortgage and pay him back. Everything that went wrong, she still blamed me. As soon as the money came through, she left without a goodbye.
I developed a heart issue over the whole episode. She returned, left, and has shown up again, for the past months. My son moved out because of her. She’s hoarding and letting her cats destroy things.

When I suggest she finish her house repairs and move back, she presents roadblocks. Her father wants his money back. I’d like my house back. She refuses to see a doctor, and doesn't work.

Wit’s End

First, my shout-out to other readers who’ve struggled with handling relatives with mental health issues:

If you know how to access the mental health system effectively, to arrange getting help for someone - even before they want it or there’s a crisis – please share your information.

To this reader: If you come to believe your daughter’s a danger to you or herself, you’ll need to know how to act fast, and if nothing else works, call police.

Meanwhile, get informed. Talk to advocates and support groups with your local and provincial/state mental health associations.

I’m married for 25 years and we get along. However, his parents have taken over our life. They e-mail, call, or send cards daily, sometimes twice a day. They’re very childish and demanding.

I’ve shown up at family events and been nice, but it encourages them. Now I have health issues. My husband can’t understand why I’m fed up. We hardly do anything fun except for them. Neither parent takes No for an answer.

Ready to Walk

Discuss with your husband some ways to re-gain independence as a couple. Be out together, busy with a gym membership, a language course, tango lessons, whatever. If your in-laws have keys, change the locks. And use “Call Display” to not answer phones every time.

Take weekend getaways. It needn’t be far or expensive, just say you’ll be out of touch.

If your husband won’t agree to any changes, make some that preserve your own well being.