I have two girls, 10 and 19. The older child came to me at 14, after her father and stepmother had abandoned her. Her mother died when she was young. Her older sister ran away.

I’ve tried to provide nurturing and guidance. She’s done very well at school (second year university), part-time work, and does some chores at home.

She carries baggage from being abandoned and not feeling emotionally safe previously. This makes her want to please those around her – she’ll say what she thinks you want to hear.
Some choices conflict with my values – most especially, she spends uncontrollably. At 18, she got a credit card. We talked about how it can be useful, but also dangerous. Within a year, she racked up $5000 debt, got another card, and put $3000 on that.

I encouraged her to visit the bank manager. They made a plan, I offered to contribute $5000 on condition that she get rid of one card and continue to repay the remaining debt.  

She’s not debt-free (she leaves bank statements open in her room). Yet she tells me she’s paid off both cards and cut them up. She says this, as she doesn't want to disappoint me. But I’m very concerned about her financial future as collections agents have called the house and she still ignores her debt.
She gets an orphan pension that’s expected to go toward her tuition. I cover the other half. She also works. I want her to become more financially and personally responsible.

I’m thinking of suggesting she live in a dorm or with a roommate for next year. She’d have to cover her rent/utilities; I’d pay her full tuition and a small living supplement.

This might help her move gradually into the adult world - having to negotiate rules for living with a roommate, taking care of herself completely, and paying rent/bills on time with real life consequences.
But I don’t want her to feel I’m abandoning her.

Between Love and Concern

Her spending’s a sad attempt to fill a black hole. As nurturing and loving as you’ve been, her paramount, scarring experiences until age 14 were deep hurts and losses - her mother, father, stepmother, and sister.

While helping her become responsible personally, and for finances, is crucial, moving her out should only be a second, later step.

The immediate priority is to get her counselling help, and to encourage her through that process until she’s begun to heal enough to work on separating from and surmounting these events.

Go with her initially. Say you love her and that you both need to see a therapist to keep your adult relationship as strong as the parent-child bond you’ve created.

Then let the sessions evolve to her getting individual counselling, without you.

My ex-wife’s technology-challenged; she often said she married me because I could fix her stuff, as that’s my field.

We’ve been separated two years, the divorce is in process, but neither of us has another serious relationship.

She calls me every few weeks to “fix” things, and we end up in bed. Part of me is satisfied this way, but it can’t be healthy for either of us, as how will we move on?

Mr. Fix-It

Answer your question with your feet, by not walking through her door again. If there are no children involved, there’s no need to “visit” personally. Set her up with a good computer techie who’s affordable, and simply say, “This way is more appropriate now.” Mean it, and you’ll move on.

My boyfriend saw a case of animal abuse yesterday in a public place and it made him very angry, but worse still, he didn't know what to do about it.

A man was walking his dog and a passerby smiled at the dog. The dog wagged his tail and promptly got a really hard kick from his owner, which made the dog cower and whimper.

My boyfriend was shocked, as he'd never seen anything like it, especially in a public place.

When he told me about it, I was very sad and really angry. So I called the local Humane Society. They said anyone could call them if they witness anything like that, and they’d dispatch someone to the area to hopefully catch the abuser.

If you know of someone abusing an animal and have their address, phone number, etc., call your local Humane Society and report it.