I met him while I was a single parent in school in my mid-20s. We were friends first.
When we started dating, we got pregnant. He didn’t want to be a parent and treated me badly but was still around after I said there’d be no abortion.
Seventeen years later, with four kids together, I find him on sites chatting to females. He puts an ad in with my picture and his. When I find out, I'm upset.
I complained about how we never go out, how I haven’t had “a date” in 12 years and we need to work on our relationship.
He’d rather play video games and be on sites than work on our relationship. He tells me to go out by myself or with friends.
Now I'm in my 40s and not happy, maybe a mid-life crisis.
I go to work, get in an uber-share ride and this guy asks for my number. I get hit on all the time but I walk away. But this time how I want to go on dates, how I'm tired of doing things by myself.
He asks me if I'm in a relationship I tell him, “something like that.” He keeps talking and finally gets my number. He’s 10 years younger than me.
I never cheated on my children’s father before but we keep arguing.
I keep trying to work on our relationship. He continues to just shake it off.
I throw him out of our home but not before I have sex with the young guy. A year later I'm still with the young dude and having sex with my kids’ father.
He tells me I better not cheat on him even though we don’t live together. My young dude doesn’t want me to cheat but I tell him I don’t want a commitment.
Now I'm confused and selfish. Nothing’s changed between my kids’ father and me but he’s still around.
I don't know what to do, and my kids’ father wants to return home. I miss him here but nothing changed.
I'm still messing around with the young guy and I don’t know why because I know he’s not for me.
You’re stalling. That’s what constantly saying “I’m confused” is all about.
Stop telling yourself that you can’t make a decision between these two men… you’re in your 40s, a mother of four whom you’d tell to “grow up” if all they ever said was that they’re confused.
Take hold of your life now, and for the sake of your future.
You miss your kids’ father as a presence in the household but not as a partner.
No wonder, since he stays on the sidelines, playing with video games. He has no interest in life as a couple.
This isn’t a mid-life crisis for you, it’s loneliness.
Yet many people develop happy lives by making sure they have close friends, go places with people who share their interests, and come home feeling fulfilled without blaming their partner for not wanting to have “dates.”
Also, you’re already over the “young dude,” so stop messing around with him, for your own self-respect.
End it. Get counselling for yourself. Then, tell your kids’ father you’re no longer confused. While it’s encouraging to be having sex together again, you also want him to be a true partner.
I’m betting he actually wants that too but holds back for some reason. Counselling would help him, too.
Or you’ll both move on, separately.
When do you decide a friend isn’t a friend?
I’ve known her for 12 years, living five minutes’ away, with children of similar ages who like each other.
During a recent hot spell, they had a burst pipe flood their kitchen, requiring them to move out during repairs.
I invited her kids to play with ours in our backyard sprinkler to keep cool, while she packed.
Their mother said she’d send the kids over later. An hour passed. I called. She said she’d send them right away.
The kids never showed. The father called that evening and apologized, saying she forgot.
What do you think?
Still A Friend?
Don’t judge someone when they’re in the midst of a household crisis.
Since you accept that she’s not a close friend, it was decent to offer cooling play for her children while she was busy.
Her forgetting due to the flood and the move, was understandable.
Give it a pass.
Tip of the day:
Labelling relationship troubles as “confusing” is an excuse for doing nothing.