My husband has lots of women friends through his work. He saw a couple of them daily when they worked at the same office. Some others met him through their jobs in promotions or sales, for other companies.
Even during these past months when he’s worked from home, eight women “regulars” would call/text, invite him to Zoom chats, to “stay in touch.”
My husband and I trust each other, which is why he’s been open with me about these friendships, and has even showed me their communication.
I never worried about him before. But I don’t fully trust one of the younger women who’s been openly determined to find a partner and have a baby.
She writes him about this and has even said she wants someone “just like him!”
Am I wrong in thinking this is going too far? My husband’s now uncomfortable too, but isn’t sure how to say this without insulting her, or being mistaken and looking the fool.
I don’t want to be on his case, since this woman’s the aggressor, and the others have gone overboard on their online communication.
What should I do that doesn’t belittle him or make me appear a shrew?
It’s up to your husband to make it clear to the woman seeking a baby-maker, that he’s neither available nor interested in the job.
He also needs to trim his availability to all these women friends for such frequent contact and personal conversations.
Married men are as entitled as married women to have friendships with the opposite sex, but there must be boundaries for the relationship not to be misleading.
Also, he’s apparently not clued in the women on how close he is with you and happy in your relationship.
One tactic to consider, if you’re comfortable with it:
Invite the more blatant partner-seeker for an outdoor patio lunch with you two and maybe one or two more women.
Sit next to your husband, be warm and welcoming. Tell just a few anecdotes that reflect your life together and he, too, should tell some.
Then, encourage the younger woman that she’ll find love, too, in time. Wrap it up quickly if anyone gets maudlin about their life.
It’s then up to your husband to keep any further contact to less personal exchanges.
If that doesn’t happen, he’s not playing fair with his “friends” OR you.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the topic of “asexuality” as a possible diagnosis for people disinterested in sex:
“As a psychotherapist (MD) who’s had asexual clients, male and female, I recommend these books for clients:
“1) The Invisible Orientation An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. It’s very detailed about types of asexuality, including information about the spectrum of asexuality behaviour.
“2) I Fell in Love with an Asexual, by Dave Wheitner, describes what it was like for the male author to discover that he was in a relationship with someone asexual.
“This book is good for a guy to understand what’s going on and some positive ways to deal with it. It’s also good for an asexual woman to suggest their partner read it.
“Approximately 1-2% of the population is asexual.
“One question I ask people is if they’ve ever had a sexual fantasy that’d involve intercourse or that degree of sexuality.
“Asexuals will tend to say No. They always stop before that point. There might be kissing, hugging and closeness but it’ll go no further.”
When younger, I’d cheat then lie about it, but I got so badly hurt that my relationship became dangerous.
I met an old friend who seemed honest, but he’d sometimes have excuses for not seeing me.
After nine years living together, I feel insecure because I’ve caught him looking at/liking other women.
He’s always on his phone and then erases his calls. We barely speak, but he’ll ask who I’m talking to.
If I have a bruise, he’ll assume that I’ve been with someone. If I go out with my family, he thinks I’m doing something wrong.
But he’s often with his family or his single friends. So, what’s that?
That’s an unhealthy relationship that’s providing only a roof over your heads, but no sense of safety or comfort.
Try to discuss with him what can improve things. Or seek free advice (privately) from a women’s shelter, to create a different plan.
Tip of the day:
Married spouses must be clear about loyalty to their partner, when opposite-sex friends try get “too close.”