I'm 24, gay, and recently discovered an uncontrollable emotional attraction to my best friend who identifies as straight.

He goes on about the girls he sleeps with, but none of our friends has actually seen him with any of these girls.

From the way he carries himself and his mannerisms, one would consider him gay.

But then he'll do something that makes me think, perhaps not…

We hang out nearly everyday, and also talk daily. Recently, there’ve been many mixed signals from him.

I catch him looking at me when we're out with other friends, he’s constantly concerned for my well-being, at a party he kept asking if I'm having a good time.

I mentally prepare ahead to act as if all is normal, yet my head and heart ache at the slightest look at him.

There’ve been many occasions when I want to say something. But if he doesn't feel the same way, it’ll ruin multiple friendships for him, including mine.

He's very socially awkward, so that means all parties and gatherings that I attend would be off for him.

It just doesn't seem worth it. I need to find a way to move on from him without letting him know. Can I live with myself, not knowing how he feels about me?

Beyond Friendship

Since this has been all about your feelings, consider his:

If he’s gay and not emotionally ready to come out – having had ample opportunity within this friendship – then he’s counting on your respect and caring.

If he’s straight – but social awkwardness moves him to false boasts about dating – he’s relying on your understanding and friendship not to expose his lies.

In other words, the feelings he wants and needs from you now are loyalty and support – the stuff of deep friendship, which he believes he has with you.

Leave it at that. Anything more, for now, is self-centered, and could be more damaging to this friend than you realize.

Your “uncontrollable emotional attraction” needs control.

If daily personal contact is too much for you, back off a little but stay in contact by text and phone, and see him among your other friends.

I was in a five-year abusive relationship. It took two years to heal myself, with the help of counselling and friends.

I recently decided to start dating a guy I’d known for a year.

When we went out, after one too many drinks, he became verbally aggressive after seeing me with a cop.

I no longer wanted to pursue anything with him since his actions reminded me of the past abuse.
He then said that he reacted aggressively because his ex-wife had him arrested after she confessed she cheated on him. Seeing me with the cop reminded him of that night.
They’d separated 15 years ago. I didn’t want to find out if he’d change.
Was I wrong in saying he should seek help to heal from that past trauma before he dates anyone?

Still Wondering

You were correct to not see him again.

The guy’s excuse for verbal abuse is totally unacceptable, if not an outright lie.

There was no link between you talking to a police officer and his experience years ago.

Since it’s his wife who cheated, the likely reason for her having him arrested was physical aggression or threats from him.

He’s the worst kind of personality for you to be around. End contact, even if he says he’ll seek counselling.

You’re still too vulnerable to this kind of person.

 

I’m a high-school freshman who doesn’t know anyone except my best friend of five years.

She has many other friends but I find it difficult to build friendships with them.

I think they dislike me because they think I’m weird and "not cool."

People say if you want to make friends, join clubs, and I agree.

But should I just ditch my best friend and not talk to her any more? Her friends absolutely hate me.

I walk to school with her everyday so far. I'm just wondering if I should stop, and focus more on making friends in clubs.

Uncertain BF

Friends don’t have to be an either-or choice. If you two enjoy walking to school together, you can still have separate groups of friends at school.

You’re wise to join clubs in which you have a real interest in the activities and purpose. This is where like-minded students can truly connect.