My boyfriend of ten months won't tell me his address. There are plenty of other issues.
He got together with me and hid the fact of having another female in his life. He moved in with me for one month, but I kicked him out because I found out about her.
I was upset and hurt. He always talks about God and even said to me that only he, my boyfriend, can save me... not Jesus Christ. I’m a Christian and have faith. He has a tight bond with my young son and taught him how to pray.
But he never wants to listen to me when I have to speak even though communication and trust are the key to good relationships.
He only sleeps for a few hours for weeks and becomes delusional.
He has the other woman under a power of attorney and tells me he took her off it and she’s not getting anything now.
He is sneaky and so passive aggressive. He admitted to me that he has 13 different personalities and that he also is one of the 144,000 chosen who’s marked to deliver messages as a son of God.
He manipulates people and plays the victim. Then he also isolates. We spent two different periods with no contact for almost 14 days. The last time it was 30 full days. I need your help.
Secrets and Delusions
You’ve already recognized that your “boyfriend” isn’t a one-woman man, given the other woman he tried to hide from you. His relationship with your son is the one nice note in your assessment of him.
You both have spiritual faith but his includes a larger-than-life self-image.
Big personalities like his are often attractive in the early stages of being together. But your letter states feeling that there’s no real partnership with him... he doesn’t listen to what you have to say, and isolates from you for weeks at a time.
You also can’t truly respect someone you describe as “sneaky and so passive aggressive.”
However, you haven’t said what you still hope for from him. A man you’ve known for 10 months who won’t tell you his address may not be around when you need him. Ask him what he sees for your relationship. Then consider whether it’s enough for you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s letter about the failings of her mother when she was growing up and later, too (March 18):
Reader – “The woman complains that her mother’s never there for her, never comes when she calls, though she's living only an hour away.
“Without knowing more about these two, it’s difficult to judge their reasons for their behaviour. However, taking the letter at face value, I must say that perhaps it's high time that the daughter learns to live her life without an expectation of Mommy rushing to take care of her needs.
“Living an hour away isn’t like living on the same street. It's also an hour to come back. Help with moving, babysitting, showers, etc... this is why you have friends and partners instead of relying on parents.
“Adult children often forget that their parents also have their own lives. They don't sit all day waiting for the privilege of having their kids summon them.
“Once children have their own kids, they need to grow up and take care of their own family. Grandparents are just for visiting and spoiling grandchildren at their own convenience, or in an emergency.”
Reader #2 – “I’ve read a few of your columns regarding family estrangement. A really good resource to read and suggest might be Fault Lines - Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer. It’s a good read and asks tough questions about why estrangement happens.
“More importantly, it gives suggestions and examples on how to resolve these fractures and restore relationships. It’s a timely piece of writing/information when some estimates are that close to 40% of people record some sort of estrangement in their families.”
Ellie - Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., a gerontologist and family sociologist, is a professor of human development at Cornell University. He did qualitative research on this topic of “fractured families” across generations, which is said to have affected more than 65 million Americans alone.
The author has said, “estrangement causes distress so profound that it can last a lifetime. Yet no reliable professional guidance exists” for people in these situations.
Tip of the day:
A big personality can make an attractive first impression... but too many negative behaviours harm a relationship.